Film – The Red Pen of Doom

The Mighty MacGuffin

October 17, 2018August 3, 2021Posted in 4 Writing Secrets WednesdayTagged Alfred Hitchcock, Arts, Fiction, Film, MacGuffin, Netflix, Science fiction, Science Fiction and Fantasy, Smurf, Star Trek, Writing4 Comments

If you’re a writer, you’ll need to use a MacGuffin now and then–and a MacGuffin generator is particularly important now, with upwards of a million writers cranking away every year on NaNoWriMo.

This is not a plot device. We’re talking about an item–and it doesn’t even have to really exist, or be seen–the hero and villain are fighting to obtain. Alfred Hitchcock was famous for using MacGuffins in his films. If the hero is on a quest, he needs to be questing for something. Really, it doesn’t matter what. It’s the journey that matters. Hitchcock has a nice way of getting into the topic.

You can see how movies and novels often revolve around a MacGuffin.

Indiana Jones always needs an item to find and fight over: an ark or a cup and so forth.

Spy movies need a microfilm containing the real names and identities of every undercover agent employed by the CIA, GRU or MI-6, with the good guys and bad guys both willing to do whatever it takes to find and destroy that MacGuffin, which the hero happens to pick up by accident in the luggage carousel at O’Hare.

Sci-fi novels need some kind of techno-babble MacGuffin, like a repulsive helix inverter, which can tweak your DNA or whatever and create an army of alien super soldiers.

Fantasy movies need a magical ring that turns you invisible but does nothing about your big hairy feet or the fact you’re the size of a smurf, or maybe an Enchanted Vorpal Sword of Infinite Sharpness that can lop off the head of the invincible Dragon of Instant Fiery Death that killed your father, uncle, grandfather, second cousin, first wife, baby sister and favorite horse.

Generator Number 1

Here’s a spiffy MacGuffin generator by Jordan McCollum.

Use it. Then visit her blog and show her some love. That’s how this thing works. Pay it forward.

Generator Number 2

Technically, this isn’t a generator. You don’t hit refresh on the browser to come up with another MacGuffin.

It’s more accurate to call this the Mother Lode of MacGuffins, with the entire history of the idea–plus with a massive list of the different flavors of MacGuffins with links that dive into each one. This site is a thing of beauty.

What is your favorite MacGuffin of all time? And which film, TV show or novel wins the prize for Silliest MacGuffin of All Time? (Note: It’s cheating to go with Star Trek, where every other movie or episode involves dilithium crystal nonsense and the warp core.)

Things I’m selling that you should buy and such

April 29, 2016August 3, 2021Posted in 6 Friendly FridayTagged break makers, digital cameras, dog houses, dogs, existentialist dogs, Film, funny, magic tricks, monkeys, newspapers, reporter notebooks, rey, stuff, the forceLeave a comment

MAGIC BREADMAKER

You put water and wheat-powder stuff inside, push a button to use the Force, then POOF, out comes bread.

Sort of like this:

This breadmaker is in a nice, white box with all kinds of buttons.

Not included: Destroyed AT-AT shelter.

Asking price: Five bucks or one-quarter portion.

DOG HOUSE

It’s cedar, medium-sized and fancy, while our Hound of the Baskervilles is black, large and not fancy at all.

If you don’t have a destroyed AT-AT handy as a shelter, this will do nicely, as long as you’re under 5’3″.

Once I finished building it, our dog sniffed at the treats inside, drank from the water bowl and ran off to chew on sticks and chase rabbits. He never entered it again.

Later, he explained to me that the whole point of being outside is to be outside, rain or sun, and that being rained on is good for you sometimes. It makes you appreciate the sunshine. He also said that kibbles are for cats and that when we’re gone, he sits on every chair in the house, not because he doesn’t know it’s wrong, but because rebellion is good for the soul.

Not included: Dog.

Asking price: An old Jiffy Peanut Butter jar of full of pennies, nickels and a couple of quarters.

FOUR REPORTER NOTEBOOKS STOLEN FROM THE NEWSROOM

I worked at a dying newspaper before working at dying newspapers was cool.

When the death spiral got fast and tight, they started rationing rolls of film, pens and reporter notebooks.

Yeah, they rationed notebooks. If you run out of paper while covering a story, hey, write on your forearm. It’s blank.

The second the supply cabinet got restocked, starving reporters rioted to grab all the film, pens and notebooks.

I still have enough reporter notebooks to roof a ranch-style house. They’re just the right size to put in your jacket pocket. Love ’em.

Not included: Stories for dying newspapers or rolls of film. Sorry. Threw the film out. Nobody even develops film anymore.

Asking price: A moleskin notebook that’s too nice for you to actually use, so you keep on writing on the back of envelopes to save the moleskin for the deepest of deep thoughts.

TWO SANSA MP3 PLAYERS

These are miniature technological wonders, tiny black boxes perfect for playing your favorite songs stolen from the interwebs, now that the only albums people buy are ones made of vintage vinyl and hoarded by bearded hipsters.

If you are not a bearded hipster, load these things up with your favorite songs for when you put on shorts and run around the neighborhood despite having two Hondas and a bicycle you never ride.

If you lose a player, who cares, because you have a spare with the SAME SONGS.

Actually included: Random music. Charge these up and yeah, there’s music on them. I have no idea whether this was during my Lenny Kravitz phase or not. Could be a bunch of Toad the Wet Sprocket.

Asking price: Two random CD’s you’ll never use again. I’m making a shiny roof for a bat house.

ONE RANDOM BOX FROM MY GARAGE

I’ve lived in NY, WA, Germany, the Netherlands, the Hinterlands, NY again, Spokaloo, Bellingham, Tacoma and now Monte—and every time I packed up to move, most things went into boxes that got transferred from one garage to another without anybody opening them. I paid attention during Greek Lit about that whole Pandora thing. You do NOT open boxes.

Whenever the garage door closes, these boxes put on Barry White songs and start multiplying.

Not included: A single clue as to what’s in the box.

Asking price: A random box from your garage, or enough C4 to atomize at least 45 boxes of stuff I’ll never look at again.

DIGITAL CAMERA

Five years ago, this was hot stuff. Small. Digital. Stick it in your pocket while you travel the world.

This is still the perfect camera for somebody learning to shoot or a starving college kid who realizes that even the smartest smart phone can’t zoom worth a damn.

Not included: Photos. You have to shoot them. Turn the dial to a setting you pretend to understand, frame the shot and push the button.

Asking price: Drive by with your windows down and I’ll happily Russel Wilson this thing into the soft cushions of your back seat.

7 reasons why music videos possess tremendous power

May 25, 2015August 3, 2021Posted in 2 Music Video MondayTagged abraham lincoln, Barack Obama, Dixie Chicks, Film, Gertrude Stein, goodbye earl, gross domestic product of paraguay, jean claude van damme, jfk, Macklemore, mlk, MTV, Music, Music video, plato, poetry, Rhetoric, same love, Snooki, storytelling, the situation, Voltron, yes we canLeave a comment

This is about why lectures never work, poetry is powerful, even instrumental music can make you cry and the humble, silly music video can be one of the most devastating weapons of persuasion and change on this little rock orbiting a ginormous burning ball of nuclear fusion and fire.

1) Lectures never work

If you have a toddler, or a teenager, or are married, you are well aware of this fact.

Lectures are basically journalism, writing or speaking to inform. If your purpose is to persuade, journalism and lectures won’t do the job.

It’s common to hear, “If I just had more TIME to explain the facts, they’d understand and agree with me.”

No. The longer you stretch out a lecture or bit of journalism, the more bored and hostile your audience will become. Because structurally, writing and speaking to inform is a horrible format for anything of length and not designed to persuade at all. (Related: Why the Inverted Pyramid must DIE) Continue reading “7 reasons why music videos possess tremendous power” →

Four killer trailers for the best movies of 2015

April 21, 2015August 3, 2021Posted in 3 Tinseltown TuesdayTagged 007, avengers 2: age of ultron, avengers: age of ultron, Film, James Bond, Mad Max, max mad: fury road, spectre, STAR WARS: THE FORCE AWAKENS2 Comments

Never have I been this stoked about so many monstrous movies coming at us in a single year.

And I’m skipping a few that look good.

Here are the four biggest films that I would crawl through glass to see three different times.

May 1 = AVENGERS 2: AGE OF ULTRON

May 15 = MAD MAX: FURY ROAD

November 6 = SPECTRE

December 18 = STAR WARS: THE FORCE AWAKENS

PACER is an awe-inspiring short film

April 3, 2015August 3, 2021Posted in 6 Friendly FridayTagged Film, pacer, photography, video4 Comments

This is technically amazing, tremendously entertaining and five buckets of awesomesauce.

Golden retriever destroys obedience course, wins Interwebs

November 21, 2014August 3, 2021Posted in 6 Friendly FridayTagged benny hill, dogs, Film, funny, golden retrievers, obedience courses, setups and payoffs, video, weird news1 Comment

This is funny, sure. But the Series of Tubes is packed with funny little things involving dogs, cats and kids with painted faces at county fairs who like turtles.

Let’s dissect this little piece of film to see what makes it work.

First, there are no words getting in the way of the images. This isn’t a PowerPoint slideshow. Nobody has to explain the joke, and it actually works better than English speakers like me have no idea what the announcer or anybody is saying, though it would not shock me if this is Scandanavian, if not Swedish, and make me have a sad for not speaking Swedish.

Second, there’s actually a structure to it, despite being so short. There are two setups before we get to the payoff, two different dogs doing the right thing, and ignoring all the food and chew toys, before the last dog decides obedience courses are a free buffet.

Third, the Benny Hill music makes it all work. Right when the setups are over and we get our payoff, the music puts you right there, and the golden retriever rewards us, not once or twice, but again and again, going after every treat in sight and ignoring all commands.

This snippet of moving pictures gives us the biggest possible gap between expectation (obedience) and result (chaos).

A montage set to music: The best movies of 2013

December 10, 2013August 3, 2021Posted in 3 Tinseltown TuesdayTagged axl rose, batman, Captain America, David Ehrlich, Film, George Lucas, Hollywood, hulk, iPhone, Iron Man, PAPA SMURF, Television, Thor3 Comments

Movies are all around us. Kind of like the Force, before George Lucas ruined it with all that claptrap about midichloridians or whatever.

Films live inside your TV, your iPhone, your laptop. They’re sitting on shiny metal disks and even being celebrated in these insanely large and dark stadiums where you pay $12 for popcorn and a Diet Coke that costs 20 cents.

And if you’re anything like me, movies are something magical.

So there’s this professional movie critic, David Ehrlich, a man you’d think only takes joy in ripping apart SMURFS 3: ARE WE THERE YET, PAPA SMURF while praising some black-and-white existential French movie where the hero finally kisses the girl and promptly gets hit by a bus–well, you’d think critics like him wouldn’t create something so joyful and beautiful as this.

Except of course he would. Why does anybody become a movie critic, book reviewer or rock journalist? Because they love nothing more than movies, books and making fun of Axl Rose and Vanilla Ice trying to stage a comeback.

A short film full of win

February 23, 2013August 3, 2021Posted in 3 Tinseltown TuesdayTagged epic, Film, Filmmaking, funny, Michael Bay, video7 Comments

This is insanely well done.

I salute you, filmmaker peoples with remote-control car collections, Michael Bay obsessions and creativity oozing out of your pores. GIVE US MORE.

SIMPLE SONG by The Shins

September 24, 2012August 3, 2021Posted in 2 Music Video MondayTagged Arts, Arts and Entertainment, Film, Music, Music video, Shins, United States3 Comments

Now, the usual music video features (a) some kind of singer or rock band (b) singing and rocking, and possibly trying to (c) dance, though if they can’t dance, the can (d) look tough or (e) let their backup dancers go crazy while the singers and rockers look tough. The toughest part is whether to film in an empty warehouse or on top of a roof.

For pop singers and boy bands, it’s even simpler: they have to sing WHILE dancing, and it doesn’t really matter where.

Music videos that tell a story, like some kind of moving picture, with a script and such, are rare. Because that sort of thing is work, you see, and the rock bands who try usually shoot for “artsy” and merely slam hard into “the Wall of Pretentious.”

This isn’t quite art, and it doesn’t quite make sense, but it is interesting and different and ambitious. I salute the Shins for aiming high instead of setting up their drums and amps in the parking lot of a vacant K-mart, just to be ironic.

For you musical types, here are the lyrics for you to dissect and decipher:

Well, this is just a simple song,
To say what you done.
I told you ’bout all those fears,
And away they did run.
You sure must be strong,
And you feel like an ocean being warmed by the sun.

When I was just nine-years-old,
I swear that I dreamt,
Your face on a football field,
And a kiss that I kept,
Under my vest.
Apart from everything,
But the heart in my chest.

Chorus:
I know that things can really get rough,
When you go it alone,
Don’t go thinking you gotta be tough,
And play like a stone.
Could be there’s nothing else in our lives so critical,
As this little home.

My life in an upturned boat,
Marooned on a cliff.
You brought me a great big flood,
And you gave me a lift.
Girl, what a gift.
When you tell me with your tongue,
And your breath was in my lungs,
And we float up through the rift.

Chorus:
I know that things can really get rough,
When you go it alone.
Don’t go thinking you gotta be tough,
And play like a stone.
Could be there’s nothing else in our lives so critical,
As this little home.

Well, this would be a simple song,
To say what you done.
I told you ’bout all those fears,
And away they did run.
You sure must be strong,
When you feel like an ocean being warmed by the sun.

Remember walking a mile to your house,
Aglow in the dark?
I made a fumbling play for your heart,
And the act struck a spark.
You wore a charm on the chain that I stole,
Especial for you.
Love’s such a delicate thing that we do,
With nothing to prove,
Which I never knew.

Here’s how that movie should have ended

August 28, 2012August 3, 2021Posted in 3 Tinseltown TuesdayTagged Anne Hathaway, Bane, batman, catwoman, Christopher Nolan, Dark Knight Rises, Film, YouTube3 Comments

You’ve been there: sitting in a dark theater for two hours, with sticky unknown substances on the soles of your shoes and your wallet $23 lighter, and you’re thinking, “If the director and the seven different screenwriters given credit for this movie had spent FIVE MINUTES on the major plot holes in this stinker, it would’ve been a fine movie.”

All true.

This is why the folks at How It Should Have Ended have jobs.

Here are my favorites, and these are movies that I actually love (except for SPIDERMAN 3).

Big honking bonus: A recurring thing is cutting to Batman and Superman, sitting in a cafe while sipping coffee and talking smack about these movies and each other. I like it, I love it, I want some more of it.

How It Should Have Ended: THE DARK KNIGHT RISES