Four absolute bangers that use xylophones, kid you not

This is another in a series of conversations with Tyler B., lead singer and bass player of the punk band ONE PUMP LOTUS.

RED PEN: You said there’s another batch of music you discovered. Tell me about it.

TYLER: Riding back from the last gig in the van, and standing in the rain while we tried to fix the alternator, we drilled down on about the least rocking instrument on the planet. The lamest of the lame. What’s your champion?

RED PEN: The accordion, all the way.

TYLER: Nah, you can, like, embrace the cheesiness of the accordion. I’m talking about xylophone, the absolute top of the mountain for shit you can’t play in a rock band. I mean, two-year-olds grab tiny drummer sticks and smash on those things. So I went looking for bands that figured out how to make the xylophone absolutely bang, which should be impossible.

RED PEN: Show me what you found.

TYLER: I didn’t dig up just one of these unicorns. I have four of these suckers. Four, man. Alright, first up is the Violent Femmes, who went wild with the xylo on GONE DADDY GONE.

TYLER: Second song is Gotye, which I can’t spell or pronounce, so you’ll have to google that or ask ChatGPT to make up a story or whatever. And you know the song. It’s the one you play after a bad breakup to really swim around in a puddle of pity, then you play I WILL SURVIVE by Cake to get jacked up and ready to hit a gig and find somebody cool at the after party.

TYLER: Third song is all synth and xylo, and it’s the one you put on repeat at 4:20 when you need to mellow out for an hour. Because if you aren’t calmed down, or asleep, then you’re on something stronger than caffeine and need to get straight.

TYLER: Last song, and the absolute best Banger with Xylophones, is CRUEL SUMMER by Bananarama–did I say that right?

RED PEN: I hope so. Spell-check cannot help us with pronunciation and ChatGPT will tell us that Bananarama is what happened when the The Gap merged with Banana Republic.

TYLER: All that is over my head. Okay, what makes this even sweeter is this is the big song from THE KARATE KID, the original back when my mom was like twelve, not the remake with kung fu and Jackie Chan that sucked. I mean, Jackie Chan is cool, but how do you spend like a hundred million dollars on a movie that’s a remake of something perfect and pack it full of kung fu–in China–and call it THE KARATE KID? The studio execs who said yes to that thing were doing way too much blow.

So back to the song, which doesn’t just include xylophones as a backing instrument, or ease into them. Nah, they went hard core xylos right off, like they hooked up the biggest amplifiers on the planet to those things, and kept on hitting you with wave after wave of xylos like it’s a musical battering ram. You gotta love it.

RED PEN: Are you incorporating this into your music somehow?

TYLER: Oh yeah. We got this new song that totally integrates xylos with thrashing guitars and booming drums. I’m like totally training on this set we got at Goodwill and Tyler A. swears his uncle knows how to hook those things up to our spare amplifier.

NOWHERE by Black Match is a masterpiece of Badass Acoustic

This is the second in a series of musical conversations with Tyler B.. lead singer and bass player for the punk band ONE PUMP LOTUS.

RED PEN: What song led you down this path of musical discovery you’re calling Badass Acoustic?

TYLER: Just listen to this, okay? It killed me. (Tyler pulls up the following clip on his phone.)

Here’s why I was feeling this one so much: most songs, they’re overproduced, with a fat wall of sound from start to finish.

This song starts off with the singer and the guitar, boom, that’s it. Gritty and raw. Only later do they layer on other instruments, and when the drums kick in, my God, it just hits you.

RED PEN: This band is listed as country in some places, and others call them indie or folk. Why are you coming up with this other label?

TYLER: Because I don’t recognize the power of the media, or the Man, to dictate how you and I talk about music.

And I can tell you this isn’t country, while indie makes me think of politics or people doing their own thing in general–writing books, making art, whatever. Indie could be a local death metal band that doesn’t have a record deal and dresses up in dinosaur costumes. Doesn’t tell you a damned thing about the music, right?

If I tell you it’s Badass Acoustic, there’s no confusion whatsoever.

And this way, you can encompass a lot of music without pigeonholing people. When my uncle Harry passed, we found all these weird plastic things with tapes inside them, and if you shove them into this Pinto that Madison drives, a freaking relic, music still comes out, so we kept popping plastic deals in there and finding Badass Acoustic treasures like big tsunamis by Tori–wait, that’s wrong. Hold it, Little Earthquakes is the album, here we go.

I mean, that album is angry and creative and musical gold. I guess you could pigeonhole her into some kinda genre like Angry Piano Girl, but that’s limiting would things for no reason. Don’t care if it’s a piano, a guitar, or a freaking lute, if the band is mostly acoustic and has that vibe, we’re talking Badass Acoustic.

RED PEN: Why does this music appeal to you so much?

TYLER: It’s like the books and movies I like to watch versus the ones I quit after five minutes. If the whole thing is happy and perfect, or completely predictable, what’s the point?

Don’t give me your standard pop song “baby baby” lyrics or somebody rapping about how cool and successful they are and how many Lambos are in their garage. Give me something that’s interesting and tough and real. A song where somebody’s struggling to get through the day, or to live with their mistakes. A show about a villain who’s bad and can’t change, and there’s no Hollywood ending. Take me someplace that’s raw and emotional and not perfect at all.

That’s what I like about Badass Acoustic, and why we’re experimenting with a new acoustic track. Does this mean learning more than three chords? Yeah, it does. But there’s a freedom in stripping things down and putting that volume knob at three instead of eleven. The audience can hear all my words and when we do add drums, and a secret instrument I can’t talk about, the whole thing builds and builds in a special way.

RED PEN: What’s next for ONE PUMP LOTUS?

TYLER: If we make enough money in these next two gigs, we can pay for a new tranny on the van, and then we’re saving up for some serious studio time to cut the tracks, “White Coffee” and “Decaf.”

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PORK AND BEANS by Weezer is a music video masterpiece

I heard this song on the radios when it came out, and it was Good.

Yet I only just now saw the music video, in the year 2022–and my God, the thing is fiery balls of amazing.

Check it out, then we’ll talk smack.

Here’s why I could not love this video more: they went all out and crammed every possible internet meme and Random Person Turned Internet Famous into a short music video.

Not one or two or three. Everybody they could possibly find and convince to do this thing.

Their commitment to the gag makes it not only ten pounds of fun packed into a five-pound bag—it makes this video insanely rewatchable, because if you blinked twice, you missed a dozen things, and if you didn’t blink, you are a spy for the Lizard People from Planet 9, and we will find you.

Weezer has been a band since before you were born, so it gives me joy to see that they’re still cranking out these things called “albums” which aren’t really a thing anymore, and I hope they are genuinely ageless and make music forever and not continue to exist by dint of being preserved by All the Drugs like a bazillion rockers collecting Social Security while still on tour.

VERDICT: 11/10, and please give us another video like this every 5 years, because the interwebs are always making new people famous for a hot second.

Best song ever for Halloween? WEREWOLVES OF LONDON

Yes, you can make a case for THRILLER, which is epic and famous and spawned 6,459 videos of people doing the dance moves.

Yet this scrappy underdog of a song by Warren Zevon is the rightful king of Horror Gondor.

What we have here is pretty simple. There’s no giant production budget, no army of backup dancers who all spent six hours getting zombified in the makeup trailer. No bigshot Hollywood director making a quick buck.

Warren Zevon gives us a quirky little song about werewolves that take us in unexpected places.

He humanizes them without taking away their essential and bloody werewolviness.

My favorite lines are those little lyrical surprises–the werewolf looking for some good Chinese food and wearing bespoke clothes. Best line of all is the aside at the end: “His hair was perfect.”

This song is perfect. It cannot be improved upon.


I saw werewolf with a Chinese menu in his hand
Walking through the streets of SoHo in the rain
He was looking for the place called Lee Ho Fooks
For to get a big dish of beef chow mein

Ah-hoo, werewolves of London
Ah-hoo, werewolves of London

You hear him howling around your kitchen door
You better not let him in
Little old lady got mutilated late last night
Werewolves of London again

Ah-hoo, werewolves of London
Ah-hoo, werewolves of London
Ah-hoo, huh

He’s the hairy handed gent who ran amok in Kent
Lately he’s been overheard in Mayfair
You better stay away from him, he’ll rip your lungs out Jim
Huh, I’d like to meet his tailor

Ah-hoo, werewolves of London
Ah-hoo, werewolves of London

Well, I saw Lon Chaney walking with the Queen
Doin’ the werewolves of London
I saw Lon Chaney Jr. walking with the Queen, uh
Doin’ the werewolves of London
I saw a werewolf drinkin’ a piña colada at Trader Vic’s
His hair was perfect

Ah-hoo, werewolves of London
Hey draw blood
Ah-hoo, werewolves of London

Source: Musixmatch

Top 5 music videos from Ukraine’s fight for freedom

What the people and soldiers of Ukraine have done is incredibly impressive, creative, and heroic.

I’ve watched and read about this war since the day Russia invaded, and want to hail the heroes who are liberating so much of their land in the last two weeks. Books will be written about them. I will forever be impressed by the courage of the Ukrainian people and the leadership of President Zelensky.

On Mondays, I usually post (a) obscure music videos that need to be shared or (b) make fun of popular artists who spent more than the gross national product of Paraguay to create a music video that should not exist.

Today, I want to post my top five favorite music videos coming out of Ukraine during this war.

These videos may not seem important. Yet from the very first Bayraktar video, I believe they helped boost morale inside the country and galvanize international support in a way that policy papers and numbers never could.

First up is a solid, traditional choice: use a rock song as the soundtrack for footage.

Second is creative goodness piled on goodness, with The Kiffness turning a soldier’s solo into seven different flavors of awesomesauce.

Third: a tribute to the soldiers.

Fourth, we have a change-up, edited more like a movie than a music video, with a slowed-down cover of Lincoln Park–so well done.

And fifth, a classic–soldiers doing the original Bayraktar song. Sláva Ukrayíni!

THAT FUNNY FEELING by Bo Burnham is today’s WE DIDN’T START THE FIRE, except better

Listen: I usually find obscure music videos, or make fun of popular pop stars spending the gross national product of Paraguay to create something that should not exist.

HOWEVER: There are rare moments of joy, little pockets of wonder and awe, where I find a song with a music video that generates nothing but admiration and a desire to share.

The commentary I will offer is that this song is today’s answer to Billy Joel’s WE DIDN’T START THE FIRE, except I’d say the lyrics are deeper and more meaningful. Because instead of simply listing as many historical events as possible, Bo is commenting on them.

This line alone hits like a hammer: A gift shop at the gun range, a mass shooting at the mall.

Video is below, then the lyrics.

And I just hope Bo keeps on making more like this. Everything I’ve seen from INSIDE OUT has been different and worthwhile.

I can’t really, uh, play the guitar very well, um, or sing
So you know, apologies

Stunning 8K-resolution meditation app
In honor of the revolution, it’s half-off at the Gap
Deadpool’s self-awareness, loving parents, harmless fun
The backlash to the backlash to the thing that’s just begun

There it is again, that funny feeling
That funny feeling
There it is again, that funny feeling
That funny feeling

The surgeon general’s pop-up shop, Robert Iger’s face
Discount Etsy agitprop, Bugles’ take on race
Female Colonel Sanders, easy answers, civil war
The whole world at your fingertips, the ocean at your door
The live-action Lion King, the Pepsi Halftime Show
Twenty-thousand years of this, seven more to go
Carpool Karaoke, Steve Aoki, Logan Paul
A gift shop at the gun range, a mass shooting at the mall

There it is again, that funny feeling
That funny feeling
There it is again, that funny feeling
That funny feeling

Reading Pornhub’s terms of service, going for a drive
And obeying all the traffic laws in Grand Theft Auto V
Full agoraphobic, losing focus, cover blown
A book on getting better hand-delivered by a drone
Total disassociation, fully out your mind
Googling “derealization”, hating what you find
That unapparent summer air in early fall
The quiet comprehending of the ending of it all

There it is again, that funny feeling
That funny feeling
There it is again, that funny feeling
That funny feeling

Hey, what can you say? We were overdue
But it’ll be over soon, you wait
Hey, what can you say? We were overdue
But it’ll be over soon, just wait
Ba-da-da, ba-da-da, ba-da-da-da-dum
Hey, what can you say? We were overdue
But it’ll be over soon, you wait
Ba-da-da, ba-da-da, ba-da-da-da-dum
Hey, what can you say? We were overdue
But it’ll be over soon, you wait
Ba-da-da, ba-da-da, ba-da
Hey, what can you say? We were overdue
But it’ll be over soon, you wait
Ba-da-da, ba-da-da, ba-da-da-da-dum

Source: LyricFind

1 PUMP LOTUS will never sell out

A conversation with Tyler B., bass guitarist and lead singer.

Question: Why did you get into punk rock?

Tyler B: Listen, this isn’t just a rusted ’83 VW van packed with second-hand amps and people who haven’t showered for 72 hours. This is a vehicle stuffed with music, dreams, and truths that you’ll never get from Corporate Rock, which should be illegal. You know, a class B misdemeanor or whatever.

Exhibit 1 is Nickelback. The People rest, your Honor.

That’s why we will never sign with a label or take paper money of any sort. Barter, man. Barter all the way, because banks are just one more way they try to control your life with debt and paperwork.

For playing a gig, we only accept the following: bags of burritos, liters of tequila, and gallons of diesel for the van.

Question: I listened to your demo tape, and hear your first real single will debut soon. What can you tell us about that?

Tyler B: Yeah, DECAF comes out this Friday and we’re doing it live at Hunter’s graduation kegger. Still tweaking the lyrics, though I can give you a taste.

The Devil drinks decaf

He’ll fill your cup

Eight ounces of nothing


We’re deconstructing pop music, see, like starting with the chorus. Then I do this spoken-word interlude with Tyler B. just plucking a single note:

I see you all. I know you’re always tired and sleepy as hell. Working two jobs and still can’t pay the rent. Ask for a raise, boss tells you to get bent. Everybody told you to keep your head down, work hard, follow the rules. But the game’s rigged, you can’t win, and all you want to do is scream.

Imma tell you something: you gotta focus on the little things you can control. Like what you put in your body. No concoctions from Dow Chemical, or any of that random herbal shit in Red Bull nobody understands.

You need coffee, black and beautiful. Maybe a little brown sugar and cow goodness.

But that’s it. Screw artificial sweeteners and that coffee creamer powder nonsense. Who even knows what’s in there?
And decaf? That’s just a liquid lie.

Then we blow up the chorus again. No melody whatsoever, no bridge. Chorus and spoken-word all the way. Okay, except for the drum solo. That’s a banger.

Question: I see there’s a Tyler A. listed as lead singer, and you seem to have a Tyler theme going on. What message are you sending by choosing those stage names, and who picked them?

Tyler B: Our mommas. Not a joke, okay? Those are our real names. Half the kids I grew up with are named Tyler or Hunter.

Also, after the thing at Mount Hood last weekend, we are searching for a new lead guitarist, unless the park rangers find him first. If you can play three chords, you could be in. Hit me up.

Elizaveta sings a Ukrainian folk song and yes, crying is okay

Usually, I will (a) find an obscure and bizarre music video, (b) make fun of famous bands with famously bad videos, or (c) delight in the discovery of something musical that is unique and amazing.

The world is too crazy right now. Making fun of things, even when it is deserved, doesn’t sit right with me today.

As a former journalist, I still love the news. The only stories I want to read right now are about Ukraine, in the hopes that they defend their country and can rebuild and live in peace again. (Some of you know what I’m talking about:, the Kyiv Independent, and

So I’m running into video after video of music from Ukraine, by ordinary people and soldiers, that moves me far more than any bazillion dollar extravaganza by whatever diva or boy band is hot right now.

This is the one that I keep watching.

What do I like?

I like how it starts as simply and slowly as you can, one woman singing alone, no music whatsoever.

I like how the other people come behind her and join in, and how the power of the chorus grows.

I like the feeling behind the words in a language I don’t understand.

And I like these people, fighting for their home, and for democracy.

Slava Ukraini.

Shuba hits us with a double-whammy and a twist

Okay, this video stands on its own as funny. Watch it:

Now here’s the twist–the person in the video above isn’t lip-synching to a pop song.

This is the actual singer, and here’s Shuba’s full music video.

VERDICT: 11/10 total points for creativity and guerilla marketing. You got me to watch the video.

Well played, Shuba, well played.

Even better: a bonus video where she sings I’M A SAVAGE in all these different voices. Absolutely perfect.

Woman accused of having billions in stolen Bitcoin also made the Worst Music Video of All Time

Which crime is worse, the digital money or the music video?

I report, you decide.

Here’s the deal: A married couple in their early 30’s may have stolen up to $4.5 billion in Bitcoin, and the FBI recovered a bunch of it.

They are accused of trying to launder 119,754 of the crypto coins, stolen back when those digital things were worth $70 million and such.

But the value went way up. Way, way up.

Before I dive into how these two jokers truly screwed up after pulling this off, let’s get to the music videos.

The woman’s name is Heather Morgan and she sings under the name Razzlekhan.

Her videos on YouTube went private after the arrest.

HOWEVER: you can’t defeat the interwebs when millions of people around the world have the motivation and skills to keep treasures like this alive. WARNING: bad words, bad lyrics, bad dancing, and bad singing ahead.

Is this the biggest heist of all time? The FBI puts it at No. 1 for seizing illicit monies.

There are all kinds of other famous heists, like the Great Train Robbery, that only brought in $3.4 million or so. Though I am trained as a journalist, and write the speeches, and did not major in mathematics, I’m pretty sure that $4.5 billion is larger than $3.4 million.

But is VERSACE BEDOUIN that the Worst Music Video of All Time? Maaaybe.

The competition is tough.

FRIDAY is pretty bad and comes to us from a professional singer and a professional production crew.

For amateurs, RED DRESS is high on the list because you’ve got decent camera work and all that for an amateur production but everything just seems off. Especially the singing. It’s the uncanny valley of bad videos.

Now, here’s where she and her husband went wrong–if they did what they’re accused of: Bitcoin is a silly thing to buy, a silly thing to hold, and a silly thing to steal.

If you rob a bank, there’s no natural trail. That’s why they have cameras, and vaults, and marked bills, and dye packs. The banks and the folks with badges and handcuffs have to work at creating a trail to whoever steals the money.

If you buy Bitcoin, and lose the key and such, poof, your money is gone. There’s a man in the UK who did that and has spent, I don’t know, a year of his life digging through the city landfill looking for his old hard drive with the Bitcoin info because he lost everything, the big dummy.

If you sell Bitcoin, or purchase something, there’s a record of that on the blockchain.

And if you steal it, yeah, there’s a still a record of purchases and sales. Which means it’s a lot easier for the police to start following the built-in trail that you can’t avoid. If you read the stories about this heist, they went nuts trying to launder the Bitcoin through all sorts of accounts and such and it Did Not Matter.

So don’t rob banks, don’t steal Bitcoin, and don’t buy Bitcoin in the first place. Buy some index funds, hold them, and forget about it until you retire.

Back to the music video. I’m going to give Razzlekhan the double win here: biggest heist and worst music video ever.

She gets the win because every single element is amazingly bad. The lyrics, the attempts at dancing, the singing, the camera angles. Everything.

Do they let you make compose and shoot music videos in federal prison?

Not sure. I believe we may soon find out.