The Red Pen of Doom

Conventional wisdom about writing is conventionally wrong.

Psycho killer raccoons terrorize Olympia … and Tacoma, and Seattle

Many moons ago, when the Series of Tubes was young, the Associated Press ran one of the best headlines IN THE HISTORY OF MAN.

Here it is:

Psycho killer raccoons terrorize Olympia

Now, since this is where I work, and my buddy Larry of the Palouse lived in this neighborhood at that time, we lost our minds. Because it was funny and insane and somewhat scary, if you had little pookies, puppies or cats.

This gang of raccoons was truly bloodthirsty. I could picture a horror movie, PSYCHO KILLER RACCOONS, being far more scary and realistic than 90 percent of the teen slasher films Hollywood pumps out.

Now, not far from Olympia, we have this story from THIS MONTH, where woman was savagely attacked by more psycho killer raccoons.

They had her on the ground and gave her something like 100-bazillion puncture wounds before people chased them off. She was raccoon food, people.

Here’s that story:

And now we have a column by Peter the Callaghan about the raccoon PR problem, a column that deserves its own column, because it’s just that good.

Read it here by clicking with your mousity mouse.

I am in Psycho Killer Raccoon heaven, maybe because I’m a giant Swede and my dog, the Hound of the Baskervilles, would eat a pack of raccoons as a snack.

If you’re a smaller person or have a smaller dog, like one of those Paris Hilton purse dogs, I suggest packing heat and buying pepper spray at Costco, by the case.

Bonus: apparently, chicken-slaying raccoons like donuts for dessert.


This is Guy Bergstrom the writer, not the Guy Bergstrom in Stockholm or the guy in Minnesota who sells real estate or whatever. Separate guys. Kthxbai.

Guy Bergstrom. Photo by Suhyoon Cho.

Reformed journalist. Scribbler of speeches and whatnot. Wrote a thriller that won some award (PNWA 2013). Represented by Jill Marr of the Sandra Dijkstra Literary Agency.

About Guy Bergstrom

Reformed journalist. Scribbler of speeches and whatnot.

13 comments on “Psycho killer raccoons terrorize Olympia … and Tacoma, and Seattle

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  9. luckhawkins
    July 20, 2012

    Actually raccoon’s are pretty notorious for hurting and killing even large dogs. A 20lbs Raccoon is equipped with some really nasty claws and a strong bite. If they are in a pack and really want to hurt a larger animal they can do some pretty good damage.
    They look cute as the dickens though, and I think that’s why people make bad decisions about them. I have always been to afraid of rabies to ever go anywhere near one. You’re right about this sounding like a bad horror film, however.


  10. The thing about raccoons is that they also carry rabies, so the idea of being attacked by RABID Psycho Killer Raccoons has even more staying power. This used to be called, in PR circles, “the big red tomato.” Somehow, “the rabid psycho killer raccoon” has a lot more zip to it.


    • Guy
      July 19, 2012

      It’s a muffin choker, isn’t it?


  11. fpdorchak
    July 19, 2012

    Maybe they’re really killer klowns from outer space!


  12. juliabarrett
    July 19, 2012

    Oh I have so many raccoon stories! From the attack of the chicken coop in our neighbor’s yard to the bobcat that captures and eats raccoons on our roof to our cat getting sprayed (hellacious) to our German shepherd trying to make mincemeat out of ’em to the enormous raccoon that squeezed through our cat door and got into the garage and when I heard something out there and went to investigate he rose up to his full height of 3 1/2 feet, looked me right in the eye and said… “What? Youse don’ like this? Wanna make sumpin’ of it? Youse and what army?” I think he was from Jersey.


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