Man Uses Raccoon To Start Breathalyzer Equipped Car, Raccoon Then Attacks Driver

Does it get any better than a headline like that? Click here for the incident report.

So this convicted drunk driver has to blow into a tube before his car starts, and he’s drunk. Shocking. What’s this genius do?

He looks for a sober buddy to puff that tube for him so he can drive off.

The nearest buddy happens to be a raccoon rummaging through his garbage. Grabs the raccoon, somehow gets the animal to blow on the tube and yes, the car starts, with the animal now unconscious. Maybe he squeezed it too hard.

So he’s driving along when the raccoon wakes up to gets his revenge, scratching and clawing our drunken genius, who crashes into a fence.

This story has all the classic hallmarks of weird news: drunken idiots (almost always men), motor vehicles and dangerous wild animals. The only way to improve it would be to add firearms.

Sadly, the San Diego Police report that this is an internet hoax.

HOWEVER: The way it spread so fast shows that the bones of this story are strong. All the elements you need are there, and there’s no fat to trim. It’s an urban legend that’s evolved into a perfect little story.

Psycho killer raccoons terrorize Olympia … and Tacoma, and Seattle

Many moons ago, when the Series of Tubes was young, the Associated Press ran one of the best headlines IN THE HISTORY OF MAN.

Here it is:

Psycho killer raccoons terrorize Olympia

Now, since this is where I work, and my buddy Larry of the Palouse lived in this neighborhood at that time, we lost our minds. Because it was funny and insane and somewhat scary, if you had little pookies, puppies or cats.

This gang of raccoons was truly bloodthirsty. I could picture a horror movie, PSYCHO KILLER RACCOONS, being far more scary and realistic than 90 percent of the teen slasher films Hollywood pumps out.

Now, not far from Olympia, we have this story from THIS MONTH, where a woman was savagely attacked by more psycho killer raccoons.

They had her on the ground and gave her something like 100-bazillion puncture wounds before people chased them off. Here’s that story:

And now we have a column by Peter the Callaghan about the raccoon PR problem, a column that deserves its own column, because it’s just that good.

Read it here by clicking with your mousity mouse.

I am in Psycho Killer Raccoon heaven.

Bonus: apparently, chicken-slaying raccoons like donuts for dessert.