Man Uses Raccoon To Start Breathalyzer Equipped Car, Raccoon Then Attacks Driver

Does it get any better than a headline like that? Click here for the incident report.

So this convicted drunk driver has to blow into a tube before his car starts, and he’s drunk. Shocking. What’s this genius do?

He looks for a sober buddy to puff that tube for him so he can drive off.

The nearest buddy happens to be a raccoon rummaging through his garbage. Grabs the raccoon, somehow gets the animal to blow on the tube and yes, the car starts, with the animal now unconscious. Maybe he squeezed it too hard.

So he’s driving along when the raccoon wakes up to gets his revenge, scratching and clawing our drunken genius, who crashes into a fence.

This story has all the classic hallmarks of weird news: drunken idiots (almost always men), motor vehicles and dangerous wild animals. The only way to improve it would be to add firearms.

Sadly, the San Diego Police report that this is an internet hoax.

HOWEVER: The way it spread so fast shows that the bones of this story are strong. All the elements you need are there, and there’s no fat to trim. It’s an urban legend that’s evolved into a perfect little story.

2 thoughts on “Man Uses Raccoon To Start Breathalyzer Equipped Car, Raccoon Then Attacks Driver

  1. First I thought you said- Man uses bacon to start breahalyzer… Then I thought of my poor cat who was sprayed, yes, sprayed by a raccoon. I have never smelled anything so foul in my entire life. Nor had to deal with anything as sticky. Then I thought of the giant ass raccoon who ransacked my garage. When he stood up on his hind legs he was five feet tall.
    Then I realized no way could that man pick up a vicious raccoon.
    This is how my brain works.


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