The Red Pen of Doom

Conventional wisdom about writing is conventionally wrong.

Real animal that should NOT exist: the blue dragon mollusk

So I see this on the interwebs, and my brain says, “Ah, here we have James Cameron, busy at work on AVATAR 2: BLUE MONKEYS VERSUS HUMANS AGAIN, BECAUSE I WANT ANOTHER BILLION DOLLARS.”

But no, this is a real animal here on Earth instead of whatever that Avatar planet is named, though I believe this blue dragon would be something the blue monkeys ride if they’re traveling by sea. Also, it probably eats unobtanium for breakfast, because blue dragon mollusks munch up deadly poisons from prey and recycle that stuff with a shrug. Can you do that, Mr. Top of the Food Chain? I DON’T THINK SO.

And before we get to proof that this isn’t some PhotoShop or CGI thing, or some kind of sasquatch prank by college kids who got all Dr. Frankenstein with two oysters and a bunch of model paint, here’s the Wikipedia page on blue dragons, which boffins (scientists) call “glaucus atlanticus” for some boring reason involving science and such.

HOWEVER: Some people call these “blue dragon sea slugs.” Even if they are related to sea slugs — say, sea slugs are their ugly uncle — it’s wrong to call these beautiful little guys “slugs.” No. They’re 5.92 bazillion times cooler than boring gray slugs, which don’t ingest deadly toxins for breakfast and can instead be killed by plain old table salt. No self-respecting thing can stroll into a super-hero bar and say, “Hey, my super power is, like, crawling all over plants to get my slime on them, but my super-weakness, uh, is, you know, table salt.”

The blue dragon mollusk, now, can float into that same bar looking awesome and not have to say a word, because if you disrespect it, say hello to a little free dose of deadly toxic whatever.

You have questions, random peoples of the Series of Tubes, and do I have random answers? Maaaybe.

Question: Where can I buy a blue dragon mollusk?

Answer: At the blue dragon mollusk store. No, I am kidding. These are not pets. These are aliens from the planet Xenu, and if you try to keep them as pets, their buddies show up in a wicked spaceship and zoom off to find more venomous things to eat for breakfast.

Question: Does the blue dragon mollusk really eat deadly venomous animals?

Answer: Yes. They eat stuff like the man-of-war, which is only found in the ocean, and not pet stores, making it even harder for people to feed their kidnapped blue dragon mollusk they’re trying to keep as a pet. Though I think the plural should be “men-of-war” or “men without hats,” who are only found in Australia. I also believe they eat peppers, like the ghost pepper, in their salsa. Sour cream and guacamole is too nancypants for them.

On to the footage: blue dragons in the wild.

More blue dragon footage, because I’m still not convinced.

OK, I’m convinced, and want some for pets, as long as they don’t evolve into those giant VW-sized facehugger things from PROMETHEUS.

Greatest hits, Vol. 1: Seven more epic posts


This is Guy Bergstrom the writer, not the Guy Bergstrom in Stockholm or the guy in Minnesota who sells real estate or whatever. Separate guys. Kthxbai.

Guy Bergstrom. Photo by Suhyoon Cho.

Reformed journalist. Scribbler of speeches and whatnot. Wrote a thriller that won some award (PNWA 2013). Represented by Jill Marr of the Sandra Dijkstra Literary Agency.

About Guy Bergstrom

Reformed journalist. Scribbler of speeches and whatnot.

43 comments on “Real animal that should NOT exist: the blue dragon mollusk

  1. Liz
    July 30, 2015

    When is the last time you saw a boring sea slug? They are brightly colored and beautiful!
    I think you have them confused with a common garden slug.


  2. Ajaysingh_johny
    July 26, 2015

    Wow these guys r really cool, I’Ve come to know bout them just recently, I wonder if I can make some of them as my pets, they really luk Beautiful, thanks for ur information regarding these tiny cool dragons…!


  3. Graphic
    June 10, 2014

    My spouse and I absolutely love your blog and find the majority of your post’s to be what precisely I’m looking for.
    can you offer guest writers to write content for you personally?
    I wouldn’t mind creating a post or elaborating on a lot of the subjects you write related to here.

    Again, awesome website!


  4. Phoenix
    November 14, 2013

    How did you come across them? They’re really beautiful creatures, almost so you’d think that it was just some photoshopped animal!

    And they said that dragons didn’t exist 😉


    • habi moha
      November 24, 2013

      I agree with you.I think the human being has distinguished a lot of species just because he was afraid of them.Perhaps we used to have large dragons,as we have small ones nowadays on the floor of deserts or jungles.


  5. habi moha
    November 1, 2013

    amazing creature blue dragon is.


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  8. caraniblock
    August 30, 2013

    Every time I ask my husband if we can get a dragon for a pet he says no because, 1. we don’t have room in the backyard, 2. Our homeowners insurance will go up and 3. they don’t exist. Can’t wait to show him this and prove him wrong once and for all! Score one for me!


    • alexis
      January 2, 2014

      blue dragons are very beautiful creatures and they have just as much right to stay on the planet as we do


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  10. Sandra Pixiekid Oosthuizen
    August 28, 2013

    Found a couple of these little awesome Dragons on a beach in Durban South Africa. we took loads of pictures… we saw hundreds of them scattered over the beach. I picked up a few and tossed them back into the water. they really are pretty awesome.


  11. lovelyladd
    July 31, 2013

    “Morrise” in the movie “Madagascar” is an aye-aye. It’s not as new as u may suppose.


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  13. dina
    June 22, 2013

    i want to know to what will it do to humans if touched and how bad is the toxins will they kill u or make u sick


  14. Rebecca
    May 31, 2013

    I found one of those at the beach in Alabama the other day, and took several pictures, it was awesome! But I want to know what those round algae looking things are that were in the video. Because I also found some of those at the beach, and I don’t know what they are. Anyone know??


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  21. Stephanie
    February 7, 2013

    The blue sea slug is awesome and so pretty


  22. Genospamoni
    January 18, 2013

    Dude that guy that wrote about this blue dragon was funny and I want to follow more of his posts where do I find him


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  24. megan
    December 16, 2012

    can the blue drangon leave side effects and or can it kill a human if stuing by on???


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  26. Crysti Couture
    November 19, 2012

    You’ve expanded my horizons, sir.


    • Guy
      November 20, 2012

      All part of the service.


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  28. Ashlee
    September 17, 2012
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  30. Willow Wood
    September 14, 2012

    Wow. Wow. Wow. These are stunning, I can’t stop staring at them. It’s like congealed acrylic paint. Thank you for sharing.


    • Guy
      September 14, 2012

      Thanks for reading & commenting.

      How goes it across the pond?


      • Willow Wood
        September 14, 2012

        It goes with a bluster and a fair few rain clouds, thanks. There is much writing being done under blankets and with hot water-bottles. What news have ye your side?


      • Guy
        September 14, 2012

        Much of the same. I feel productive and such.


  31. joeynga
    September 13, 2012

    Now why didn’t my bio professors in college teach me about them? Then again maybe I’m too old and they weren’t found by science yet? That’s probably the reason.

    Truly awesome. And I think the Aye Aye is so ugly it’s cute. Now I’d want one of those. It’s like a cross between a bat and the chupacabra but then tossed in the dryer on high for a while and miniaturized. Cute little bugger 🙂


    • Guy
      September 13, 2012

      I’m with you on the blue dragons. But not the aye aye.


  32. lindseyjparsons
    September 13, 2012

    All blue dragons are beautiful! But those blue sea dragons are really kinda awesome!! 😀


  33. Jenny
    September 13, 2012

    how cool to see you post this. I posted a picture of them yesterday on my blog. strange, beautiful creatures, aren’t they?


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