Seven movie clichés that must be NUKED FROM ORBIT

Now that going to the movies more than once a year involves taking out a second mortgage to buy $9 popcorn and $7 Diet Coke and $11 tickets, you must pick your flicks wisely.

I’ve already skewered my favorite genre with Top 10 Thriller Clichés.

Then I went after the Top 10 Action Mystery Clichés — but it goes deeper than that.

Peoples of Hollywood, please stop spending the gross domestic product of Paraguay to make movies with these seven stupid clichés.

7) Romantic comedies starring Matthew McConaughey

We get it: he’s cute, and his Texas drawl is charming.

HOWEVER: He is not required, by federal law, to be in every romantic comedy on the planet.

6) Macho action heroes walking away from explosions really, really slow

Wussy little bad guys are thrown through the air by explosions.

Explosions only make macho action heroes slow down and stroll.

5) Romantic comedies where the man is a bumbling, lovable loser while the woman is a hot neurotic mess

The man is a 40-year-old virgin (Steve Carrell), a chauvinist pig (Russell Crowe) or a nerdy writer type (Woody Allen).

The woman is a beautiful mess (Jennifer Aniston, Kate Hudson or, God help us, Sarah Jessica Parker) who is far more educated, cultured and successful than the man.

So, she naturally hates this loser at first, then she slowly molds this wreck of a man into a real human being worthy of dating and / or marrying.

Please.

4) False alarms in Every Horror Movie Known to Man

Enough with the cat / boyfriend / little brother nonsense, and the scary music is just cheating.

3) Romantic comedies starring Kate Hudson

Though I have to say this: it’s better than Sarah Jessica Parker.

2) Movie villains who carefully explain their plot instead of KILLING THE HERO ALREADY

Why does every movie villain feel the need to talk to the hero?

Look, the villain always has hordes of minions who are completely motivated to listen to his stupid monologues. He can give speeches that make Fidel Castro look like the king of brevity.

A villain’s minions are the best listeners ever. They must not only nod and smile, but be entranced by his every syllable. The villain is their employer and visionary leader, and there’s a good chance that not listening with your entire body and soul will get you thrown into the tank full of sharks with lasers.

Chatting with the hero makes no sense.

Here’s one villain who gets it right.

1) Romantic comedies starring Matthew McConaughey AND Kate Hudson

And you thought I was making that up.

42 thoughts on “Seven movie clichés that must be NUKED FROM ORBIT

  1. Can we add “Films about teenagers who read books/listen to music/look at art/write stuff whilst dealing with being a teenager”? Sure, being a teenager sucks a lot of the time, but if you’re going to make a film about it, then at least have something original or interesting to say. ‘The Perks of Being a Wallflower’, I’m looking at you.

    Like

  2. Ditto on the incredibles. But you’ve also got to hand it to Dr. Evil, because he always explained in exquisite detail how he was going to exterminate Austin Powers. And who does’t love the scenes of the missiles firing? Oh the pictorials.

    Best Imho there’s a tie for best minions: Scott and Mini-me.

    Like

  3. Great list, as always. Can’t stand the villain monologue, myself. (Have you seen Pixar’s The Incredibles? They absolutely roast that!)

    Like

  4. Your posts make me laugh. Really hard. Thanks for sharing this! It brightened my Tuesday. I’m totally with you on all the Sarah Jessica Parker fiascos. Actually, I’m close to swearing off chick flicks in general. The vast majority of them are just big, walking cliches. 😀

    Like

  5. I think… I think you nailed it. Don’t ya just love the comic book villain explaining his evil plot to the hero rather than just shooting the hero in the face? Thank you for bringing that up!
    But you forgot to mention Cameron Diaz – when will we not see her play an idiot?
    And while you did mention Jennifer Aniston, you forgot to ask the question – when will she be too old to play those immature romantic comedy roles (please let it be soon) and how many stinkers can she make before? Oh and how could anyone in his or her right mind pair her with Gerard Butler and think that would, uh… work? How far you’ve fallen, Gerard… From sexiest man in the universe to unrecognizable sidekick…
    You know a movie that never gets a mention? And I say this because it’s good, might be Jennifer Lopez’s best movie and the child actress is so exceptional, so riveting as to be off the charts- Enough.

    Like

Leave a witty comment

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s