Have you ever found a song and just replayed the living hell out of it?
I don’t know why this thing hits me like a sledgehammer from the special personal collection of Peter Gabriel.
But I keep replaying the thing, over and over. Here, watch this thing we called a “music video” a hundred years ago when this cable channel appeared that showed music videos ALL DAY LONG. Brilliant business model. People send you videos, you play them, you sell ads–it’s a license to print money.
The only way this could go wrong is if you stopped playing free music videos and started paying money to produce stupid reality shows.
Here’s the music video, which I hadn’t seen until I wore out this song on Spotify or whatever:
It smacks you upside the feelings, doesn’t it? That twist in the end makes M. Night Shyamalan jealous. Super rare to have in a song. As a writer, I could not love the lyrics more. The repetition with a purpose, and the twists each time–beautiful.
This is why I love the genre Angry Acoustic: songs are stripped down, lyrics actually matter, and they tell stories instead of the usual pop song that repeats the same lyric 3,423 times until you bring out the shot glasses and down some Draino.
I have replayed this song again. I’ll play it more today. And I hope other people find this song, and that each time it gets hit on Spotify or YouTube, she gets paid, because Lizzy, you deserve it.
VERDICT: 11/10, give is more of this. MORE MORE MORE.
SPECIAL BONUS: Acoustic version, which also rocks. If you search the series of tubes, there’s also a sped-up version, very Alvin and the Chipmunks, but I will not link to it, because that is sacrilege.
Listen: unless you live in an ice cave, you listen to music and have seen 5,923 music videos. Most of those are forgettable.
There are reasons for that.
Your typical Generic Music Video features shots of the band pretending to play their instruments as the lead singer pretends to sing. They’ll shoot in an alley, to pretend to be gritty and real. They’ll shoot on a beach while looking pretentiously at the sunset. They’ll shoot on a rooftop, thinking they’re The Beatles.
For variety, an ambitious band will try a music video that tells a story. This is hard, and expensive, like filming a short movie. Instead of a zillion-dollar budget for a big band doing the alley-rooftop-beach thing, we’re talking a bazillion-dollar budget. Thriller was not easy or cheap.
If you clicked that link, yes, professional music videos run from $20k at the absolute lowest end to $500,000 or more. It’s a joke (except true) in Hollywood that rich men with girlfriends who think they should be a singer will spend far more than this to hire a producer, cut a single, and get a real director and crew to shoot one music video. And yeah, there’s a chance that singer makes it, simply because a talented band back in Des Moines, Iowa doesn’t have that money supporting them.
HOWEVER: I come here to praise Jungle, a fun band that did something that entertained the hell out of me. It’s not a lame video of the band playing, or a pretentious short film that flails. You don’t even see the band, not once.
Here’s the video I saw. Watch it, then we’ll talk smack.
How can you not love that song and video? It’s full of joy, with interesting choreography, constant shifts, always something new.
Here’s what blew me away: they didn’t just make one video. They did an entire movie of this based on their album Volcano.
And it rocks. The thing just works.
Sure, musicals aren’t new, and actors have danced on Broadway since forever. I’m just happy to see this come back, hard, to give us something fresh again with music videos. We don’t need more pop stars singing “baby baby baby” or rappers bragging about their Lambos and boats. I am not surprised or impressed by country singers driving beat-up pickups while singing about beer and duck hunting.
Jungle has impressed the hell out of me. Here’s the movie, and all I have to say is 11/10, give us more.
Yes, this is a music video, and we will play it because MTV resolutely refuses to do their damn job. Have a look and listen, then we will TALK ABOUT ALL THE THINGS.
First off, I come here to talk smack about lyrics, not the actual music video. The video is fine. It’s not blowing my mind and it’s not making me close my eyes and chant a lullaby to make it go away.
The words are what we are here for, and the words are GOOD.
Dissecting the lyrics, but not in an icky dead frog way like biology class
Let’s go after the first few lines:
Half of my high school got too drunk Half of my high school fell in love With the girl next door In their daddy’s Ford Half of my main street’s mini skirts Half of my main street’s dressed for church It could use some rain And a fresh coat of paint
Such a great way of painting a picture of her hometown and the people who live there without giving everyone the same hues and textures.
Because let’s be honest: half of all pop songs are about getting drunk, and half of all pop songs are about falling in love, but few pop or country songs dare to have a lot of nuance or subtlety. They’re more likely to hit you over the head with a single message, like, “I’m on a BOAT!” then repeat that message six hundred times.
Now, the chorus:
Half of my hometown’s still hangin’ around Still talkin’ about that one touchdown They’re still wearin’ red and black Go Bobcats, while the other half Of my hometown they all got out Some went north Some went south Still lookin’ for a feelin’ half of us ain’t found So stay or leave Part of me will always be Half of my hometown
Oh, here we go. I don’t really have a home town, being born on a military base we left after a year. Kept on hopping around bases in the Germany and the Holland and the New York–so if you put a Glock to my noggin and asked me for a single detail about my hometown, couldn’t tell you a damn thing. Throw a blindfold on me and ask me whether an F-15 or F-16 is flying overhead and I’m you’re man.
However: we now live in a one-stoplight logging town, where half the town does show up to wear maroon and gray every Friday night and is still talking about that one touchdown. So I feel these lyrics in a way that Justin Bieber could never reach me with the lyrics of his masterpiece, “Baby, Baby, Baby.”
Half of our prom queens cut their hair Half of them think that it ain’t fair The quarterback moved away and never came back Half of my family is happy I left The other half worries I’ll just forget Where I came from Same place where they came from
I could not love this more. Beautiful lyrics and they do touch on the touch choice facing anyone from a small town: stay for family and neighbors and friends, or leave for opportunities and dreams. Totally get that.
Now we get the chorus again, so I’ll delete that chunk and give you the next real bit. Say hello to the bridge and the closing:
Backroads raise us Highways they take us Memories make us wanna go back
To our hometown, settle down Talk about that one touchdown Raise some kids in red and black Go Bobcats, while the other half Of my hometown was in the crowd They knew the words They sang them loud And all I wanna do is make them proud Cause half of me will always be Knoxville, Tennessee My hometown My hometown
Heard this song again and again, making the ending anything but a surprise. I know exactly what is coming. And the last lines still hit hard.
VERDICT
Here’s the deal: I enjoy pop songs and Angry Indie Acoustic stuff far, far more than country music. However: country and rap songs tend to tell this thing we call a story. They also get more inventive with lyrics, echoes, and reversals with wording.
The Chicks song, TRAVELING SOLDIER, is a freaking masterpiece.
Do the lyrics to MY HOMETOWN do the job? Paula Abdul would say, “Yes, yes, a thousand times, YES!” but she’d mean it and Emelio Estevez would mean it this time and they’d still be married today. Ben Affleck and J. Lo, do not listen to this song, move to a small town, and get married to each other or another human being again. Hold off for a decade or two.
Kelsea Ballerini nails it in a few hundred words. Seriously, count them up. If you don’t count the repeated chorus, it is shocking how few words she uses to do a complicated job of making us see her hometown and feel all these choices and people.
Listen: it’s hard enough to make it as a rock star, or any sort of musician. So props to Vince Neil for becoming a star in the first place.
HOWEVER: it is a sin against the rock gods, and possibly a class B felony, to sell concert tickets that cost as much as the average American’s mortgage when you are (a) entirely too trashed to sing, (b) unable to sing without a killer team of audio engineers in the studio, or (c) too lazy to memorize the lyrics to a song you’ve been singing for, I don’t know, 30 years.
Here’s a video of the crime in progress:
So yeah, Bad Lip Reading wouldn’t touch this, since it’d be like a 300-pound defensive end for the Seahawks hopping into a Pee Wee Football game. There’s no challenge.
Here’s the original, so you know that actual lyrics to this song DO exist.
And yeah, the lyrics are not insanely hard to remember.
THE ACTUAL LYRICS
Lyrics from azlyrics.com, which is like the musical oracle to me:
KICKSTART MY HEART by Motley Crue
When I get high I get high on speed Top fuel funny car’s A drug for me My heart, my heart Kickstart my heart Always got the cops Coming after me Custom built bike doing 103 My heart, my heart Kickstart my heart
Ooh, are you ready girls? Ooh, are you ready now? Whoa, yeah Kickstart my heart Give it a start Whoa, yeah, baby
Whoa, yeah Kickstart my heart Hope it never stops Whoa, yeah, baby Yeah
Skydive naked From an aeroplane Or a lady with a Body from outer space My heart, my heart Kickstart my heart Say I got trouble Trouble in my eyes I’m just looking for another good time My heart, my heart Kickstart my heart
Yeah, are you ready girls? Yeah, are you ready now?
Whoa, yeah Kickstart my heart Give it a start Whoa, yeah, baby Whoa, yeah Kickstart my heart Hope it never stops Whoa, yeah, baby
Kickstart my heart
When we started this band All we needed, needed was a laugh Years gone by… I’d say we’ve kicked some ass When I’m enraged Or hittin’ the stage Adrenaline rushing Through my veins And I’d say we’re still kickin’ ass
I said, ooh, ah Kickstart my heart Hope it never stops And to think, we did all of this to rock
Whoa, yeah Kickstart my heart Give it a start Whoa, yeah, baby Whoa, yeah Kickstart my heart Hope it never stops Whoa, yeah, baby
Whoa, yeah Kickstart my heart Hope it never stops Whoa, yeah, baby
Whoa, yeah Kickstart my heart Give it a start Okay, boys, let’s rock the house
That’s all
Kickstart my heart
VERDICT
Listen, I get it that everybody’s got bills to pay: alimony, child support, rehab, attorneys, bail, a team of hairdressers, PR folks, agents, roadies, dealers. Some of those folks are expensive.
And I understand the life cycle of a rock band involves starting out playing birthday keggers and living in the van until you get that one break and a hit song and maybe a killer album and a serious concert tour and piles of cash and a lead singer who thinks he’s better than the band and a band that breaks up and a solo career that goes nowhere and a bunch of middle-aged dudes who need to pay the mortgage and that’s why they’re playing at your county fair. I’ve seen VH1: BEHIND THE MUSIC.
But I also understand that life has second acts, and sometimes third acts. Professional athletes not named Tom Brady often understand this. Your average NFL career lasts three years. Three. So smart pro athletes, rock stars, actors, and other famous peoples save their pennies, invest those pennies, and plan for a second career when they inevitably get hurt or too old for this stuff.
Vince Neil is too old for this stuff. He’s not the science experiment known as Keith Richards, who can never die. As a human being, he needs to consider other ways to make money, or find meaning, aside from grabbing the microphone and disgracing the memory of songs that fans would like to remember in a better way.
But maybe the money is too good. Dunno. Not buying a ticket.
This is the second in a series of musical conversations with Tyler B.. lead singer and bass player for the punk band ONE PUMP LOTUS.
RED PEN: What song led you down this path of musical discovery you’re calling Badass Acoustic?
TYLER: Just listen to this, okay? It killed me. (Tyler pulls up the following clip on his phone.)
Here’s why I was feeling this one so much: most songs, they’re overproduced, with a fat wall of sound from start to finish.
This song starts off with the singer and the guitar, boom, that’s it. Gritty and raw. Only later do they layer on other instruments, and when the drums kick in, my God, it just hits you.
RED PEN: This band is listed as country in some places, and others call them indie or folk. Why are you coming up with this other label?
TYLER: Because I don’t recognize the power of the media, or the Man, to dictate how you and I talk about music.
And I can tell you this isn’t country, while indie makes me think of politics or people doing their own thing in general–writing books, making art, whatever. Indie could be a local death metal band that doesn’t have a record deal and dresses up in dinosaur costumes. Doesn’t tell you a damned thing about the music, right?
If I tell you it’s Badass Acoustic, there’s no confusion whatsoever.
And this way, you can encompass a lot of music without pigeonholing people. When my uncle Harry passed, we found all these weird plastic things with tapes inside them, and if you shove them into this Pinto that Madison drives, a freaking relic, music still comes out, so we kept popping plastic deals in there and finding Badass Acoustic treasures like big tsunamis by Tori–wait, that’s wrong. Hold it, Little Earthquakes is the album, here we go.
I mean, that album is angry and creative and musical gold. I guess you could pigeonhole her into some kinda genre like Angry Piano Girl, but that’s limiting would things for no reason. Don’t care if it’s a piano, a guitar, or a freaking lute, if the band is mostly acoustic and has that vibe, we’re talking Badass Acoustic.
RED PEN: Why does this music appeal to you so much?
TYLER: It’s like the books and movies I like to watch versus the ones I quit after five minutes. If the whole thing is happy and perfect, or completely predictable, what’s the point?
Don’t give me your standard pop song “baby baby” lyrics or somebody rapping about how cool and successful they are and how many Lambos are in their garage. Give me something that’s interesting and tough and real. A song where somebody’s struggling to get through the day, or to live with their mistakes. A show about a villain who’s bad and can’t change, and there’s no Hollywood ending. Take me someplace that’s raw and emotional and not perfect at all.
That’s what I like about Badass Acoustic, and why we’re experimenting with a new acoustic track. Does this mean learning more than three chords? Yeah, it does. But there’s a freedom in stripping things down and putting that volume knob at three instead of eleven. The audience can hear all my words and when we do add drums, and a secret instrument I can’t talk about, the whole thing builds and builds in a special way.
RED PEN: What’s next for ONE PUMP LOTUS?
TYLER: If we make enough money in these next two gigs, we can pay for a new tranny on the van, and then we’re saving up for some serious studio time to cut the tracks, “White Coffee” and “Decaf.”
I heard this song on the radios when it came out, and it was Good.
Yet I only just now saw the music video, in the year 2022–and my God, the thing is fiery balls of amazing.
Check it out, then we’ll talk smack.
Here’s why I could not love this video more: they went all out and crammed every possible internet meme and Random Person Turned Internet Famous into a short music video.
Not one or two or three. Everybody they could possibly find and convince to do this thing.
Their commitment to the gag makes it not only ten pounds of fun packed into a five-pound bag—it makes this video insanely rewatchable, because if you blinked twice, you missed a dozen things, and if you didn’t blink, you are a spy for the Lizard People from Planet 9, and we will find you.
Weezer has been a band since before you were born, so it gives me joy to see that they’re still cranking out these things called “albums” which aren’t really a thing anymore, and I hope they are genuinely ageless and make music forever and not continue to exist by dint of being preserved by All the Drugs like a bazillion rockers collecting Social Security while still on tour.
VERDICT: 11/10, and please give us another video like this every 5 years, because the interwebs are always making new people famous for a hot second.
Yes, you can make a case for THRILLER, which is epic and famous and spawned 6,459 videos of people doing the dance moves.
Yet this scrappy underdog of a song by Warren Zevon is the rightful king of Horror Gondor.
What we have here is pretty simple. There’s no giant production budget, no army of backup dancers who all spent six hours getting zombified in the makeup trailer. No bigshot Hollywood director making a quick buck.
Warren Zevon gives us a quirky little song about werewolves that take us in unexpected places.
He humanizes them without taking away their essential and bloody werewolviness.
My favorite lines are those little lyrical surprises–the werewolf looking for some good Chinese food and wearing bespoke clothes. Best line of all is the aside at the end: “His hair was perfect.”
This song is perfect. It cannot be improved upon.
LYRICS
I saw werewolf with a Chinese menu in his hand Walking through the streets of SoHo in the rain He was looking for the place called Lee Ho Fooks For to get a big dish of beef chow mein
Ah-hoo, werewolves of London Ah-hoo Ah-hoo, werewolves of London Ah-hoo
You hear him howling around your kitchen door You better not let him in Little old lady got mutilated late last night Werewolves of London again
Ah-hoo, werewolves of London Ah-hoo Ah-hoo, werewolves of London Ah-hoo, huh
He’s the hairy handed gent who ran amok in Kent Lately he’s been overheard in Mayfair You better stay away from him, he’ll rip your lungs out Jim Huh, I’d like to meet his tailor
Ah-hoo, werewolves of London Ah-hoo Ah-hoo, werewolves of London Ah-hoo
Well, I saw Lon Chaney walking with the Queen Doin’ the werewolves of London I saw Lon Chaney Jr. walking with the Queen, uh Doin’ the werewolves of London I saw a werewolf drinkin’ a piña colada at Trader Vic’s His hair was perfect
Ah-hoo, werewolves of London Hey draw blood Ah-hoo, werewolves of London
Listen: I usually find obscure music videos, or make fun of popular pop stars spending the gross national product of Paraguay to create something that should not exist.
HOWEVER: There are rare moments of joy, little pockets of wonder and awe, where I find a song with a music video that generates nothing but admiration and a desire to share.
The commentary I will offer is that this song is today’s answer to Billy Joel’s WE DIDN’T START THE FIRE, except I’d say the lyrics are deeper and more meaningful. Because instead of simply listing as many historical events as possible, Bo is commenting on them.
This line alone hits like a hammer: A gift shop at the gun range, a mass shooting at the mall.
Video is below, then the lyrics.
And I just hope Bo keeps on making more like this. Everything I’ve seen from INSIDE OUT has been different and worthwhile.
I can’t really, uh, play the guitar very well, um, or sing So you know, apologies
Stunning 8K-resolution meditation app In honor of the revolution, it’s half-off at the Gap Deadpool’s self-awareness, loving parents, harmless fun The backlash to the backlash to the thing that’s just begun
There it is again, that funny feeling That funny feeling There it is again, that funny feeling That funny feeling
The surgeon general’s pop-up shop, Robert Iger’s face Discount Etsy agitprop, Bugles’ take on race Female Colonel Sanders, easy answers, civil war The whole world at your fingertips, the ocean at your door The live-action Lion King, the Pepsi Halftime Show Twenty-thousand years of this, seven more to go Carpool Karaoke, Steve Aoki, Logan Paul A gift shop at the gun range, a mass shooting at the mall
There it is again, that funny feeling That funny feeling There it is again, that funny feeling That funny feeling
Reading Pornhub’s terms of service, going for a drive And obeying all the traffic laws in Grand Theft Auto V Full agoraphobic, losing focus, cover blown A book on getting better hand-delivered by a drone Total disassociation, fully out your mind Googling “derealization”, hating what you find That unapparent summer air in early fall The quiet comprehending of the ending of it all
There it is again, that funny feeling That funny feeling There it is again, that funny feeling That funny feeling
Hey, what can you say? We were overdue But it’ll be over soon, you wait Hey, what can you say? We were overdue But it’ll be over soon, just wait Ba-da-da, ba-da-da, ba-da-da-da-dum Hey, what can you say? We were overdue But it’ll be over soon, you wait Ba-da-da, ba-da-da, ba-da-da-da-dum Hey, what can you say? We were overdue But it’ll be over soon, you wait Ba-da-da, ba-da-da, ba-da Hey, what can you say? We were overdue But it’ll be over soon, you wait Ba-da-da, ba-da-da, ba-da-da-da-dum Hey
Which crime is worse, the digital money or the music video?
I report, you decide.
Here’s the deal: A married couple in their early 30’s may have stolen up to $4.5 billion in Bitcoin, and the FBI recovered a bunch of it.
They are accused of trying to launder 119,754 of the crypto coins, stolen back when those digital things were worth $70 million and such.
But the value went way up. Way, way up.
Before I dive into how these two jokers truly screwed up after pulling this off, let’s get to the music videos.
The woman’s name is Heather Morgan and she sings under the name Razzlekhan.
Her videos on YouTube went private after the arrest.
HOWEVER: you can’t defeat the interwebs when millions of people around the world have the motivation and skills to keep treasures like this alive. WARNING: bad words, bad lyrics, bad dancing, and bad singing ahead.
Is this the biggest heist of all time? The FBI puts it at No. 1 for seizing illicit monies.
There are all kinds of other famous heists, like the Great Train Robbery, that only brought in $3.4 million or so. Though I am trained as a journalist, and write the speeches, and did not major in mathematics, I’m pretty sure that $4.5 billion is larger than $3.4 million.
But is VERSACE BEDOUIN that the Worst Music Video of All Time? Maaaybe.
The competition is tough.
FRIDAY is pretty bad and comes to us from a professional singer and a professional production crew.
For amateurs, RED DRESS is high on the list because you’ve got decent camera work and all that for an amateur production but everything just seems off. Especially the singing. It’s the uncanny valley of bad videos.
Now, here’s where she and her husband went wrong–if they did what they’re accused of: Bitcoin is a silly thing to buy, a silly thing to hold, and a silly thing to steal.
If you rob a bank, there’s no natural trail. That’s why they have cameras, and vaults, and marked bills, and dye packs. The banks and the folks with badges and handcuffs have to work at creating a trail to whoever steals the money.
If you buy Bitcoin, and lose the key and such, poof, your money is gone. There’s a man in the UK who did that and has spent, I don’t know, a year of his life digging through the city landfill looking for his old hard drive with the Bitcoin info because he lost everything, the big dummy.
If you sell Bitcoin, or purchase something, there’s a record of that on the blockchain.
And if you steal it, yeah, there’s a still a record of purchases and sales. Which means it’s a lot easier for the police to start following the built-in trail that you can’t avoid. If you read the stories about this heist, they went nuts trying to launder the Bitcoin through all sorts of accounts and such and it Did Not Matter.
So don’t rob banks, don’t steal Bitcoin, and don’t buy Bitcoin in the first place. Buy some index funds, hold them, and forget about it until you retire.
Back to the music video. I’m going to give Razzlekhan the double win here: biggest heist and worst music video ever.
She gets the win because every single element is amazingly bad. The lyrics, the attempts at dancing, the singing, the camera angles. Everything.
Do they let you make compose and shoot music videos in federal prison?
The Red Pen of Doom 