Usually, a great weird news story takes a number of delicious ingredients that work together.
- First, you need a person, typically a man, often from Florida.
- Second, there’s usually some substance abuse: alcohol, meth, cocaine, LSD, magic mushrooms–or, if you’re in West Virginia, wasp spray. Yeah, I’m not making that up. Vodka and crank? Old and busted. Wasp spray is the new hotness, though it might make you may curl up and die like a foamy yellowjacket.
- Third, your average, intoxicated Florida Man has a hard time crafting his own weird news masterpiece without other actors on the stage. You need a dangerous wild animal, explosives, firearms, motor vehicles, illegal fireworks or a silly crime, like trailer park residents dressing up like ninjas to rob 7-Elevens.
- All this builds up to a crescendo of cray-crazy, with our anti-hero giving Mayhem a flirty look in a dive bar before buying her cheap tequila shots, making out in the parking lot and winding up half-naked in the dumpster, which happens to be on fire.
- Finally, the typical weird news story ends with a 911 call with the police and paramedics arriving to (a) clean up the mess and (b) document the insanity. Mug shots!
Rarely do you get a great weird news story with a single ingredient so amazing that it stands alone, creating a supernova of stupidity and wonder, a blast of white-hot insanity so pure that it needs no help whatsoever from either the great state of Florida or the most powerful intoxicants on planet Earth.
This is one of those cases.
I’ve heard of headless chickens walking around after farmer’s lopped off their noggins. Seems half-mythical, half-believable, and I only believe because a family member saw it growing up and has refused to eat chicken ever since.
HOWEVER: here’s video proof that chickens have zombie powers. This freshly slaughtered chicken breast tries to fly off the restaurant table.
Here’s video proof. And yes, this is the best version of the video, with some decent science paired with silly muzak.
Undead tree stump
Here’s a bonus: there’s another zombie story in the news today, and this one is actually more important than entertaining.
Scientists in New Zealand found an undead tree stump.
Why should we care, aside from the fact that this sounds like the first three minutes of a B horror movie?
The tree stump is only alive because its roots are interconnected with other trees, all to share water and nutrients. Scientists say if this is a common practice, they need to rethink how they see forests. Instead of individual plants and trees, they may be more like a community, helping each other out and protecting against drought and erosion.
With WATERWORLD becoming prophecy, this news is actually a big deal. I’m all for anything that protects against drought and erosion.
Zombie chicken breast, you’re spectacularly weird and wonderful.
But undead tree stump, you’re important and might help save the only home we have.
The Red Pen of Doom 