TOTAL ECLIPSE OF THE HEART is totally bonkers

Guest post by Abby Wilson

Bonnie Tyler’s “Total Eclipse of the Heart” was released in 1983 and sold about 6 million copies.

If I remember correctly—and I might not since I wasn’t alive at the time—that was achieved without iTunes. People actually had to leave their homes to purchase that song.

Unfathomable.  Those 6 million listeners must not have seen this nonsensical montage to the stuff of which my nightmares are now made.

I needed a glass of wine to make it through the whole video. I kept waiting for the hook, for the melody to diversify and draw me in, but it was as if the first 45 seconds of chords had been looped through that visual assault of ridiculousness. PAINFUL. But it was probably painful for Ms. Tyler as well since her vocal chords are partially damaged.

Let’s review:

  • Demon-eyed choirboys who FLY (see Guy’s post on the Swamp Demon of Louisiana — cousins?)
  • Scantily-clad back up dancers. In loincloths. When is a loincloth a bad idea? (A: Always)
  • Ninjas and gymnasts
  • Football players
  • Men in swim goggles
  • Fencing
  • A formal toast in which they spill wine (cardinal sin)
  • Throwing birds

Do I even need to address the vast chasm between the lyrics and the visuals? How many times does the demon-eyed boy ask her to turn around, bright eyes? SHE NEVER TURNS AROUND. How hard would it have been to coordinate that?

And is she wearing lingerie or a really ugly wedding dress? I can’t tell.

Just when we think ritual animal sacrifice would be the only thing to make this video creepier, we see the ninjas and choirboys lined up for school with Bonnie as their teacher. So in the end, we find ourselves accomplices in a terrifying teacher-student prep school fantasy. At least that explains the loincloths…

You can find Abby Wilson on the Twitter @blueeyesburn and at her blog, http://abbyandeva.wordpress.com

ELECTRIC AVENUE, as interpreted by the Red Pen of Doom

music video meme sound of music

A classic, and the first video I remember seeing on MTV, and one of my favorites.

Great song. Great video.

As a special bonus, I found the lyrics.

All of them.

And yes, the Red Pen of Doom couldn’t resist taking a shot at interpreting each line.

Boy!

(My friend, who doesn’t need to be named, and is a male, though possibly not a man, and definitely not a boyfriend, but a buddy.)

Boy!

(I say this twice to reinforce my greeting and to use it as a shout, sort of a combination of “Hey!” and “Man!” and “Can you believe this nonsense?”)

Down in the street there is violence

(There are sometimes assaults and murders that I did not commit, or authorize, and this worries me.)

And a lots of work to be done

(I have things to do, people. I don’t always  hang out in my living room singing at the TV or ride my motorcycle around empty streets.)

No place to hang out our washing

(The economy is so bad, and living quarters so cramped, not only do I fail to own a washer and dryer, I don’t even have enough space to hang my clothes out to dry.)

And I can’t blame all on the sun, oh no

(The fact that the weather here is glorious doesn’t cause anyone to be unsuccessful. There are other reasons.)

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