Mullets will never die

Back when stegosaurus strolled around sipping lattes and hiding from raptors, the Series of Tubes was shiny and new, and featured completely juvenile wastes of time like Mullets Galore.

This site featured the Mullet of the Week and a whole scientific taxonomy of mullets, which was both insane and interesting.

Mullets Galore may be dead, and unable to get resurrected even with the magic of the WayBack Machine, since the fool who created it used javascript or Shockwave or some other thing modern browsers vomit up as against their religion.

HOWEVER: a new champion of business in the front, party in the back has emerged: USA Mullet Championship, with registration for 2022 now live.

They have divisions (kids, teens, adults) and let the people vote on our national mullet champs.

Here are the kid champs from 2021:

Teenyboppers from 2021:

Men’s open winners:

And women’s open champs:

As a semi-serious student of mullets–and yes, I had a hockey haircut early in college–let me say that I’m happy somebody took up the torch.

I’m particularly stoked that they’re embracing the whole variety of mullets, from the “so bad it’s good” to the “okay, that’s kinda attractive, in a weird kinda way.”

It would be wrong to avoid saying that mullets are not the sole province of Americans, or something we invented.

The internets tell me a French fashion guru (Henri Mollet) made it popular in the ’70s and thus the name, translated into ‘Murican.

HOWEVER: This is all nonsense. Mullets have been around forever, all over the world.

Canadian hockey players are kicked off the team if they don’t have one. Soccer/football players could enter mullet competitions and win every single prize.

The mullet was always around, and will always be around.

I do want to point out that Richard Dawkins went at this scientifically in The Selfish Gene, saying that fashion comes and goes because once short hair is fashionable and the dominant meme, long hair (or mullets) becomes rebellious and cool until IT becomes dominant, and having short hair is rebellious.

Kinda like beards right now. Pretty much every man I know is rocking a pandemic beard and looking like Robert Redford in that mountain man movie.

Yes, that is Redford and not some weird joke I’m making. Look it up, kid you not.

VERDICT

Mullets are forever, and I am here for it.

If you rock a mullet, or know someone who does, please enter the 2022 contest and tell me what happens.

Video

Top 3 reasons why YOUR LOVE by The Outfield epitomizes classic ’80s videos

So I’ve been MIA for eons, (a) working hard at the work, (b) injuring myself and going to PT–deadlifts are evil, do not do them–and (c) at home, madly finishing & rewriting a new novel, which is crazy fun. Sometime soon, I’ll need to do laundry. Maybe even the dishes. I AM A DANGEROUS MAN.

Happy to say I can walk again without looking like it’s torture, or being asked by little old ladies if they can carry my stuff.

Today’s music video is a classic I heard on the radio and had to find on the interwebs. Because it’s interesting and a great microcosm of the ’80s, and the entire genre of music videos.

Have a listen and a look, then we’ll talk smack.

 

Reason # 3: Single Dangly Earring

Everybody had one. Punk rockers, lead singers, crooners, country singers.

A single earring sent many messages. On a male rocker, it told the world you were a rebel. Combine it with a tiny cross for irony: rebellious believer.

Single earring on a female singer? Rebellion, sure, but also, “Couldn’t find the other earring and hey, I don’t care.” Not caring, by coincidence, is the essence of cool.

Reason # 2: Sincere Imitation of Sting

For a long time, one rock band stood atop the musical world: The Police.

After they broke up, and Sting went solo, I heard this exact song on the radio and thought, “Huh, that’s cool, The Police got back together. I should see them in concert before they split up again.”

This song is the best imitation of The Police, ever. It’s not even close. Sorry, Bruno Mars.

Also: I saw The Police in concert when they actually did get back together, and it was beautiful. Sting’s son has a band and opened for them. Sounds a lot like his dad. Maybe he could join The Outfield if they ever do a reunion tour. I WOULD LOVE THIS.

Reason # 1: Epic Feathered Hair

Everybody has it: the lead singer, the drummer, even the random set girl who makes goo-goo eyes right back at Flirty McFlirty Pants.

You can’t be an ’80s rock story without feathered hair. If record label executives looking to sign new acts had a checklist, Feathered Hair was the first thing on it.

In fact, I can classify any band from the ’80s simply by the length of their feathered hair:

a) Modest Bleached Feathery Goodness = punk rocker

b) Feathery MacGyver Mullet = pop crooner (Richard Marx!) or mainstream country star

c) Long Feathered Hair + Mall BangsĀ = pop starlet

d) Bleach Job + Crazy Long Hair + Spandex = metal band.