Mullets will never die

Back when stegosaurus strolled around sipping lattes and hiding from raptors, the Series of Tubes was shiny and new, and featured completely juvenile wastes of time like Mullets Galore.

This site featured the Mullet of the Week and a whole scientific taxonomy of mullets, which was both insane and interesting.

Mullets Galore may be dead, and unable to get resurrected even with the magic of the WayBack Machine, since the fool who created it used javascript or Shockwave or some other thing modern browsers vomit up as against their religion.

HOWEVER: a new champion of business in the front, party in the back has emerged: USA Mullet Championship, with registration for 2022 now live.

They have divisions (kids, teens, adults) and let the people vote on our national mullet champs.

Here are the kid champs from 2021:

Teenyboppers from 2021:

Men’s open winners:

And women’s open champs:

As a semi-serious student of mullets–and yes, I had a hockey haircut early in college–let me say that I’m happy somebody took up the torch.

I’m particularly stoked that they’re embracing the whole variety of mullets, from the “so bad it’s good” to the “okay, that’s kinda attractive, in a weird kinda way.”

It would be wrong to avoid saying that mullets are not the sole province of Americans, or something we invented.

The internets tell me a French fashion guru (Henri Mollet) made it popular in the ’70s and thus the name, translated into ‘Murican.

HOWEVER: This is all nonsense. Mullets have been around forever, all over the world.

Canadian hockey players are kicked off the team if they don’t have one. Soccer/football players could enter mullet competitions and win every single prize.

The mullet was always around, and will always be around.

I do want to point out that Richard Dawkins went at this scientifically in The Selfish Gene, saying that fashion comes and goes because once short hair is fashionable and the dominant meme, long hair (or mullets) becomes rebellious and cool until IT becomes dominant, and having short hair is rebellious.

Kinda like beards right now. Pretty much every man I know is rocking a pandemic beard and looking like Robert Redford in that mountain man movie.

Yes, that is Redford and not some weird joke I’m making. Look it up, kid you not.


Mullets are forever, and I am here for it.

If you rock a mullet, or know someone who does, please enter the 2022 contest and tell me what happens.