Super-powered mutant Avenger of the ocean: The Mighty Cuttlefish

I understand an octopus, a squid and a clam. Clams have shells. Squids and octopuses (octopi?) have tentacles and such.

But this alien beast has a shell — inside its body.

The cuttlefish’s bone is made of aragonite, the same special metal used to graft Wolverine’s claws and skeleton* and Captain America’s shield** — but not Thor’s hammer, which came from the heart of a dead star.***

Plus it’s got all kinds of other mutant super powers, like a poisoned beak, tentacles, a giant brain, secret alien-like jaws that sneak out of nowhere to eat fish — and color changing powers that make it practically invisible.

Think you’re iPhone’s fancy Retina screen is amazing? The cuttlefish has 200 iridophores and eucophores per square millimeter, which equals out to 359 dots per inch. Want one of those 4k screens but don’t have $10,000 to buy one? Make friends with a herd of cuttlefish and get them to spread out on your living room wall, then fire up THE MATRIX, but not the two sequels, which were a waste of Keanu Reeve’s precious time and $279 million in CGI effects.

Here’s a good look at the cuttlefish from my favorite animal documentary series on the planet, True Facts:

 

*Note to comic book gurus: Yes, I’m kidding. Wolverine’s claws and such are made of adamantium, which is created when titanium dioxide reaches the earth’s mantle and is compressed by millions of pounds per square inch at 4,500 degrees Celsius, then remerges to the surface through millions of years of plate tectonics along with the help of all kinds of Red Bulls and shots of bourbon while the comic book writers at Marvel try to make it all sound two-thirds scientific, one-third magical and 143 percent awesome.

**Also, the famous shield of Captain America is actually made of vibranium, a real metal alloy that’s also used in the manufacture of the B-2 stealth bomber because of its unique radar-absorbing properties. Vibranium is only found in one place: the southern pole of Mars, meaning all traces of it on earth came from a massive asteroid striking the pole and sending debris raining down upon Africa, the only continent where vibranium can now be mined. Buying this so far? Okay. There are these penny stocks, and if you know which ones to buy, you can turn ten cents into a dollar, $1 into $100 — and $100 into $100,000. All you have to is subscribe to my financial newsletter to learn the secrets of true wealth that Wall Street doesn’t want you to know.

***Actually, that part is true. Dead star, all the way. Not making it up.

5 thoughts on “Super-powered mutant Avenger of the ocean: The Mighty Cuttlefish

  1. I’m shocked and horrified at your expose of the cuttlefish. You may send them all into hiding now and then what will the world’s budgerigar community chew on? In telling the world all these facts about the cuttlefish, you might have at least mentioned their ink. I mean, surely it was worth a mention for all the letters it helped write before the keyboard came along.
    Please keep a tighter hold on your irresponsibility in future and remember the consequences of your actions.
    Hugs.

    Like

  2. First mistake I have read from you…Keanu Reeves has no precious time.
    We had the cutest cuttlefish on Sado:
    http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/uk-news/japanese-giant-squid-sigenori-goto-3014579
    Well, really more this size:
    http://www.visitsado.com/en/01outline/06pro/index.shtml
    But the jellyfish were miserable to swim with…
    (In the Japanese newscast you hear them speculating how many families that squid will feed…which conjured pictures of them trying to lay that thing out on a drying rack in front of someone’s house!)

    Like

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