Epic Black Car deserves good owner; are you worthy?

2002 Hyundai Elantra simply refuses to die. Comes in any color you want, as long as it’s black. Invisible at night. Unflinching in the rain. This automobile eats gas and spits out miles.

Automatic transmission and cruise control, with airbags out the wazoo.

Comes with an Obama bumper sticker and Smith & Wesson wheel grips, both removable, by why? It’s already perfect for a liberal who packs heat and needs cheap, reliable transportation. You can roll down the window and drive with one hand as you shoot zombies, if there are zombies to be shot, and you can do it IN THE SNOW, because for some reason, the Epic Black Car flies over snow with total control.

zombie animated gif

History

This auto has travelled 165,000 miles without a major hiccup. That’s like circling the world a bunch of damn times without exploding.

It was lovingly constructed in 2002, right when Hyundai stopped making crap and started producing cars just as reliable as Toyotas, but without the extra feature of uncontrollable acceleration to 8.35 gazillion miles per hour, followed by a rousing smash against a highway underpass. (Note: I’ve owned Toyotas and this problem seems to be fixed. Carry on.)

The Epic Black Car can hit 8.35 gazillion miles an hour in a controlled fashion and bring you to a nice gentle stop, because it has new tires and brake pads, and because it likes you, unlike other cars that try to kill you like a horse bucking off a rider or a bull shark biting your body in half, when all you’re doing is swimming along in a black wetsuit that makes you look exactly like a seal.

Standard features

It’s got a stereo with CD player and speakers that go to 11, air conditioning for the four days a year that it’s hot in the Pacific Northwest and wiper blades and a unique waterproof ROOF for the other 361 days when it rains.

It’s got bucket seats and floor mats, a glove box that nobody puts gloves in and a cigarette lighter thing that does not light cigarettes, because this car doesn’t want you dying of lung cancer. Instead of dealing in death, the cigarette lighter magically gives life to iPhones and Droids and laptops.

Four doors. Four cup-holders, including two secret ones in the back, James-Bond style. A trunk capable of storing thousands of rounds of ammunition or cases of fine Spanish and Italian wine you picked up at Trader Joe’s for six bucks a bottle because you’re not some nancypants dipstick who drives a Porsche 911 and tells everybody he won’t drink wine that costs less than $120 a bottle.

Power windows. Power steering. Power whatever-you-want.

Asking price

The Kelly Blue Book proclaims that the Epic Black Car is worth $2,955.

I don’t know who Kelly is, or why his book is blue, but he insults the honor and integrity of this humble, hard-working car, which took me to Olympia and back, five days a week, often with the Gas Empty light on, for eight years.

It never complained. It never ran out of petro, no matter how hard I tried. It never blew a tire and left me stranded ten miles west of nowhere, also known as Elma.

The Epic Black Car — like the Dude from The Big Lebowski — abides.

Logging trucks tried to kill it by kicking boulder-sized rocks at the windshield. Drivers with hamburger patties for brains tried to sideswipe it on the highway. It’s happily hopped over roadkill from porcupines to a wolf outside Elma, close enough to Forks to make me wonder: Taylor Lautner? I can only hope.

Every deadly attack was foiled, leaving only scratches and dents. Nothing could kill this car. It is fast and nimble and invincible. If it wanted to, it could whip you up breakfast or pour you a martini.

mad max car

I will sell this car to the highest bidder, unless that bidder is Mike “The Situation” from Jersey Shore.

The bidding starts at $2,500. I’ll take cash, checks, rounds of Dutch cheese or purple 500-euro notes, which look like this:

500 euro note

If you need a safe, cheap, reliable car — or have a college kid leaving the nest — this is your car.

If your name is Gordon Freeman, this is definitely your car. It has been waiting for you. I will hand you a crowbar and the keys.

If you have a high school kid who needs wheels, this is not your car. No. You need a Gremlin or a station wagon with fake wood panels that are peeling off, because such a car is the Most Effective Form of Birth Control Known to Man.

What you must do

Interested? Write a comment to this post and tell me why you are worthy of being the next owner of this fine piece of South Korean engineering.

49 thoughts on “Epic Black Car deserves good owner; are you worthy?

  1. So this comment is a reponse to whether or not I deserve this 2002 monster. The real question is, does it deserve me? I mean look at my name! Nothing deserves me for I am a LONE wanderer (though I wouldn’t mind an ultra cool black companion that will do what I ask of it when I ask of it no matter how difficult the challenge). I am worthy and your black companion is worthy so allow us to be a united form of worthiness. Respect.

    Like

  2. I think my friend Hilly needs an Epic Black Car. You see, her jerk of a boyfriend destroyed HER Epic Black Car and is taking no responsibility whatsoever. I’ll even bid $125 of my hard earned royalties so she can have the Epic Black Car. Here’s her story wherein she blames herself for her Epic Bad Choices that led to the demise of the Epic Black Charger.

    The photo will make you weep.

    http://snackiepoo.com/2010/10/find-your-own-way-out/

    Like

  3. I need this car to continue my completely epic life.
    My goal is to be like those studious Korean engineers who made The Epic Black Car because as my situation is now I am a Mechanical Engineering student quick on my way to becoming an engineer. I live in a land of Epic Snow where it is necessary to have a car that can push through the most malevolent of snow squalls and blizzards, not to mention the vast array of Ice Storms. My current car is called Elvira: The Snow Beast, for its feats of being able to go 17 miles of hills and sharp turns through a 1 foot snow storm despite having a puny ground clearance of only about 8 inches. While my climate is similar to yours it is almost geographically opposite, in New England.
    The epic irony of the Obama sticker is that during Obama’s ’08 election I missed being able to give him my vote by 6 days. This sticker is clearly my point of redemption for this folly of my mother for birthing me a week late. And as for the Smith and Wesson like I said I live in New England, who doesn’t have a gun here? Also as you may or may not know both Smith and Wesson come from New England. Fate? Or is the Epic Black Car telling us something with its decisions from its past. One could ignore these coincidences but I prefer to think that this car knows all and has made these decisions knowing where it was headed all this time.

    I bid $100 and a pair of Smith and Wesson Handcuffs, Made in Houlton, Maine

    Like

    1. Epic Young Engineer,

      I have lived in Plattsburgh AFB, in the New York, which is also the land of Epic Snow, so I know of what you speak, and I believe your post is damned worthy.

      If your current car is truly called Elvira: The Snow Beast, you get extra bonus points for being impressively badass. You wanted to vote for Obama and you own guns? More manly points.

      If we find some loaded humanitarian, maybe a Microsoft millionaire or google gazillionaire, I would happily ship the Epic Black Car to the wilds of Maine, and I would throw in an extra handgun or rifle, just in case you needed another, but nothing sissy like a .22 — you need a .50 sniper rifle so the deer, elk, Yeti or bear that you aim at aren’t just stopped dead, but disappear in a pink mist.

      Your bid may be the most epic yet, and I give you props. I raise my glass of Gnarly Tree cabernet in your direction.

      – Epic Black Car Man.

      Like

      1. I assure you that If I do indeed win this car, I will show up with the handcuffs and $100 in person as I have never been west of Amherst, Mass. And thus the Epic Black Car could begin a new Epic Journey.

        Liked by 1 person

  4. I need this car.
    But I have a question. Does it have a CD player? Because, as a romance writer, I must have my angsty, EPIC, my-Redneck-husband-calls-it-Vampire-music stuff to inspire me as I go to the store to out buy Jodi Henley’s Gouda and find gift cards that exceed $50.
    We kind of like men allergic to pants too, though NOT looking like Lady Gaga.
    Of course, she scares me a little with her Allejandro boys in high heels. Alright. That’s a lie. She doesn’t scare me.
    What were we talking about again?

    Like

  5. I should buy this car because my 1997 Dodge that I’m not allowed to sell because it once saved my boyfriend’s life by outrunning the OC Sheriffs (epic eyeroll) is dying a death that soon will require car hospice.

    I should buy this car because I know where Elma is.

    I should buy this car because the last car I bought in WA was a Starsky and Hutch car that made me the talk of my central CA town’s high school.

    A woman born on Halloween who works at a cemetery and writes vampire books deserves this car.

    Bid: $50 and a pack of Blogography.com playing cards

    Like

    1. Every word was the truth. Although I shouldn’t admit that I know where Elma is or that I prolly have redneck McKinney or Mullins relatives there.

      Oh, and I added the cards because your sense of humor reminded me of Dave2 from Blogography.com. He has a Bad Monkey. 😉

      Like

  6. Let me tell you- I must have this car. I love epicness. I’m not Korean, although I do have 2 nieces from there and my husband did his student teaching there. That must count for something.

    While dear-daughter-who-is-turning-16-and-could-really-use-a-vehicle-to-transport-herself-to-activities is working her fanny off to purchase said car, it would be a blast to present her with the epic black car as a gift. She would still have to pay for insurance though. And gas. And one of those tree shaped air fresheners when need be.

    Count me in for $10

    Like

  7. Man, I totally hope you sell this freakin’ awesome epic black car–why? Because I love your ad. I’ll top that $1.01 bid and offer sixty-nine Laughing Cow Mini Babybel Gouda cheese wheels WITH original red mesh bag AND two–not one, but TWO genuine Grocery Outlet plastic bags free of charge because I’m cool like that.

    I always keep Gouda in my purse because I don’t just have a gun, I have crackers and a butter knife. Fighting off zombies is hungry work. I NEED the Epic Black Car because you can never have too much cheese–or too many half empty bottles of Kirkland water. Four cup holders would help this footsore, thirsty and car less crusader maintain hydration in her neverending quest to take over the world–I mean, Fight the Evil Zombie Bacteria.

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  8. With a listing as eloquently put as yours, how can I resist but reply? For starters, I need your car. “Why?” you might ask, well, because I am South Korean. Secondly, I’ve always wanted to be black. Whether or not this car helps with that goal, I’m not sure, but it’s worth a shot.

    Thirdly, because I can pay in cash.
    And cash f***ing rules.

    Thank you,
    EKG

    Starting bid: $1.01.

    Like

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