Which crime is worse, the digital money or the music video?
I report, you decide.
Here’s the deal: A married couple in their early 30’s may have stolen up to $4.5 billion in Bitcoin, and the FBI recovered a bunch of it.
They are accused of trying to launder 119,754 of the crypto coins, stolen back when those digital things were worth $70 million and such.
But the value went way up. Way, way up.
Before I dive into how these two jokers truly screwed up after pulling this off, let’s get to the music videos.
The woman’s name is Heather Morgan and she sings under the name Razzlekhan.
Her videos on YouTube went private after the arrest.
HOWEVER: you can’t defeat the interwebs when millions of people around the world have the motivation and skills to keep treasures like this alive. WARNING: bad words, bad lyrics, bad dancing, and bad singing ahead.
Is this the biggest heist of all time? The FBI puts it at No. 1 for seizing illicit monies.
There are all kinds of other famous heists, like the Great Train Robbery, that only brought in $3.4 million or so. Though I am trained as a journalist, and write the speeches, and did not major in mathematics, I’m pretty sure that $4.5 billion is larger than $3.4 million.
But is VERSACE BEDOUIN that the Worst Music Video of All Time? Maaaybe.
The competition is tough.
FRIDAY is pretty bad and comes to us from a professional singer and a professional production crew.
For amateurs, RED DRESS is high on the list because you’ve got decent camera work and all that for an amateur production but everything just seems off. Especially the singing. It’s the uncanny valley of bad videos.
Now, here’s where she and her husband went wrong–if they did what they’re accused of: Bitcoin is a silly thing to buy, a silly thing to hold, and a silly thing to steal.
If you rob a bank, there’s no natural trail. That’s why they have cameras, and vaults, and marked bills, and dye packs. The banks and the folks with badges and handcuffs have to work at creating a trail to whoever steals the money.
If you buy Bitcoin, and lose the key and such, poof, your money is gone. There’s a man in the UK who did that and has spent, I don’t know, a year of his life digging through the city landfill looking for his old hard drive with the Bitcoin info because he lost everything, the big dummy.
If you sell Bitcoin, or purchase something, there’s a record of that on the blockchain.
And if you steal it, yeah, there’s a still a record of purchases and sales. Which means it’s a lot easier for the police to start following the built-in trail that you can’t avoid. If you read the stories about this heist, they went nuts trying to launder the Bitcoin through all sorts of accounts and such and it Did Not Matter.
So don’t rob banks, don’t steal Bitcoin, and don’t buy Bitcoin in the first place. Buy some index funds, hold them, and forget about it until you retire.
Back to the music video. I’m going to give Razzlekhan the double win here: biggest heist and worst music video ever.
She gets the win because every single element is amazingly bad. The lyrics, the attempts at dancing, the singing, the camera angles. Everything.
Do they let you make compose and shoot music videos in federal prison?
Not sure. I believe we may soon find out.
The Red Pen of Doom 