As a former journalist, and a fan of weird news, it’s rare for a story to fully combine (a) dangerous wild animals, (b) stupid criminals and (c) illegal drugs.
Usually, those sorts of ingredients turn into a different sort of weird news story, a Florida Man-style escapade with the possibility of somebody winning a Darwin Award.
But this time, it’s just comical.
I’ll post the link to the story below, but since we’re talking inverted pyramid journalism, you already get the key details.
Feral hogs find and destroy cocaine worth $22,000 hidden in woods
More importantly: What makes this story so good?
A total surprise
I’ve never heard of wild hogs finding and eating cocaine. Pretty sure you haven’t, either.
With so many sources of news online or in print, and the ability to search the Interwebs for old stories, truly new and unique stories like this rarer than a Kardashian born with an allergy to TV cameras.
Your typical weird news story about dangerous wild animals has them doing typical animal things. You know, a bear getting into your house to raid the fridge or swim in your pool. Stuff you can totally understand and predict. If you were a bear, wouldn’t you munch the nom-noms and then take a nice swim? Course you would.
Nobody, not even a crack team of screenwriters in Hollywood sitting in the desert after hitting a bong incredibly hard, would ever come up with feral hogs eating a stash of cocaine in the woods.
Karmic payback
We are wired to think of things in terms of stories, to root for heroes and hope bad guys fail.
This is a case were bad guys fail in a spectacular and funny way.
Oh, you thought hiding the cocaine in the woods was smart? GUESS WHO ATE IT ALL.
A growing problem
Feral hogs are no joke. Go ask farmers in Texas.
Over in Italy, where this happens, the population of wild pigs just doubled. Not from a few hundred roaming the woods like a four-legged Robin Hood and his band of merry, hairy buddies, sniffing around for truffles or Peruvian blow. We’re talking about TWO FREAKING MILLION feral pigs.
That’s not a little problem. That’s the first five minutes of the horror movie known as DAWN OF THE DEAD, CAUSE THE COKED UP WILD HOGS ATE YOU AND YOUR FAMILY.
Need to shorten that title, but you get the idea.
Here’s a crazy video compilation of when wild pigs attack hunters. I don’t blame the pigs for fighting back. It just shows you how quick and tough they are. Now imagine two million of them in the woods.
The Red Pen of Doom 