Epic Black Car – The Red Pen of Doom

You have to see this hype video for somebody selling their 1994 Geo Metro.

I need you all to see the hype video that this person made to sell their 1994 Geo Metro

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— Soren Spicknall (@sorenspicknall.bsky.social) June 3, 2025 at 6:07 PM

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Why does this work so damn well? Here’s my theory: tension.

First, the car has to be lame. The lamer the thing you’re selling, the more creative room you get to hype it to the moon.

If you did this with an old Mustang, or anything remotely good, it would crash and burn. You’re piling cool on top of cool. Too much. No tension at all.

Second, the better the hype job, the more tension you create. In this case, it’s a little understated and Miami Vice, and all we need are Crocket and Tubbs driving around with In the Air Tonight blasting.

Now, the text that goes with the Geo Metro video is not as amazing, which made me sad. It’s okay.

But hey, the text does the job. Reliable if not hilarious. Just like a Geo Metro.

I have experience with this art form. The blog started when I needed to sell a Hyundia Elantra and found out craiglist ads expire. Needed home for it.

Here is that ad and my first blog post: Epic Black Car deserves new owner, are you worthy?

Yes, I should have shot a video with that car, which was a classic beater. Cheap but reliable. Never let me down.

Here’s the truth: I bought a second black Hyundai Elantra in 2013 after a failed experiment with a black Ford Fiesta that leaked despite being new. Compared to the 2003 version, Epic Black Car II was a step up: sunroof, leather seats, cruise control. Not Corinthian leather, but close. Pleather.

After I sold that Elantra, we bought a third Elantra, a hybrid and a freaking spaceship compared to the first two. Not intentional. Test drove other things. So that dealership can just set their calendar, because every ten years, the prophecy requires this Swede to walk in and buy the latest Elantra.

IT HAS BEEN FORETOLD.

This is a whole genre of ads and videos: “Buy this thing that’s so lame, it circles back to cool.”

Here’s a classic.

And this is my favorite, the highest production value example of thE genre. It’s like they hired Michael Bay for this thing.

VERDICT: 11/10, I love all of these things. Give us more.

Prepping for the zombie apocalypse, the alien invasion, or rising sea levels–aka, the prophecy known as WATERWORLD?

This is the vehicle you’re looking for, because anything powered by guzzleline or electricity will quickly stop being a thing. It will never run out of power because it’s powered by YOU.

And yes, this calls back to my first post ever. It’s called nostalgia, or a remix, and all the hip artists do this when they’re not busy dropping diss tracks all over Drake’s noggin.

Back to the mountain bike: this is what you want, because it’s a Minnesota Framed 2.0 Fat Tire monster, which laughs at mud, snow, gravel, or sand. Try to take one of those carbon-fiber racing bikes with itty bitty thin tires through some mud, snow, or anything other than a smooth road. See how well each $5,000 wheel performs. Yeah, singular. Each wheel is $5k.

You could buy one of these Minnesota fat tire bikes for all your friends for the price of that racing bike. Plus a used Honda Civic and enough left over cash to take the whole crew to Chipotle and get your burritos on.

Bike nerds will want to details, while preppers want to know how tough this thing is.

Here we go on both counts.

Bike nerds

This thing has 26″ wheels, and you also probably want to know how many gears it has. This many.

And it has Tiny Little Helper Gears in the back that do some kind of technical support job.

(Yes, those are derailers, but that sounds pornographic, I’m not calling them by that name. They are hereby and forever Tiny Little Helper Gears.)

As for brakes, these aren’t those rubber breaks that squeak, or the “brakes” on your first bike where you just went backwards on the pedal and somehow that stopped the bike. No. These are fancy disc brakes made of unobtanium and they work 5 bazillion times better than the rubber squeaky nonsense.

Preppers

This sucker isn’t build Ford tough. It’s far tougher than that, and sturdy as hell. The frame is aluminum, so it won’t rust and is lighter than steel, but not silly like carbon fiber, which would be impossible to fix during any flavor of apocalypse. What are you gonna do, hop on down to the carbon fiber store and ask the zombie clerk to hook you up?

Aluminum is common. Pick up some Diet Coke cans on the side of the road, cook those things, and smelt yourself some molten aluminum. Go wild.

Condition: Like new. As in, I only rode this a half-dozen times. Did not abuse it, crash it, or set up a wooden ramp to see how much air I could get before getting a compound fracture.

Price

$400 or best offer, and I’ll take U.S. dollars, euros, or rupees. Will also consider trades for a Tikka 3X in 6.5mm Creedmoor or a pallet of machetes.

Are you worthy?

Post a comment here or click on the Get in Touch tab for the emails and such. I’m putting this on Facebook Marketplace, too, whatever that is, mostly to see how many people lowball me by offering $200 or attempting trades involving a broken Xbox and a saggy couch they found on the side of the road.