Author Archives: Guy Bergstrom

About Guy Bergstrom

Reformed journalist. Scribbler of speeches and whatnot. Wrote a novel that was a finalist for some award.

Epic Announcer Man does the classic Seahawks-Packers game

Is it the Best NFL Game of All Time?

I’d say so. There might be games where teams came back from a more lopsided score. But not when the stakes were a trip to the Super Bowl.

Here’s that narrator with the Voice of God, the kind of guy who does movie trailers with his booming voice, as he does that crazy 2015 NFC Championship Game, the miracle in Seattle.

More posts for your amusement and possible education:

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This is Guy Bergstrom the writer, not the Guy Bergstrom in Stockholm or the guy in Minnesota who sells real estate or whatever. Separate guys. Kthxbai.

Guy Bergstrom. Photo by Suhyoon Cho.

Reformed journalist. Scribbler of speeches and whatnot. Wrote a thriller that won some award and is represented by Jill Marr of the Sandra Dijkstra Literary Agency.

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Filed under The Glowing Tube

Two-point conversion: Hawktown Funk plus Bad Lip Reading NFL 2015

How bad is Seahawks fever right now?

Crazy bad.

Turn on the radio or pick up a newspaper and it’s all Seahawks, all the time.

My wife steals the sports pages from me, every morning, and now has favorites among sports columnists. This itself is a miracle. Radio stations are doing contests for best Seahawks song and the fans are riffing off Ice, Ice Baby and sixteen bazillion other songs, old or new. It’s a good time.

Here are two great clips from the series of tubes.

Hawktown Funk

Bad Lip Reading NFL 2015

More posts for your amusement and possible education:

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This is Guy Bergstrom the writer, not the Guy Bergstrom in Stockholm or the guy in Minnesota who sells real estate or whatever. Separate guys. Kthxbai.

Guy Bergstrom. Photo by Suhyoon Cho.

Reformed journalist. Scribbler of speeches and whatnot. Wrote a thriller that won some award and is represented by Jill Marr of the Sandra Dijkstra Literary Agency.

1 Comment

Filed under The Glowing Tube

How Obama’s 2015 State of the Union tries to break the mold

President Barack Obama delivers the State of the Union address in the House Chamber at the U.S. Capitol in Washington, D.C., Jan. 20, 2015. (Official White House Photo By Chuck Kennedy)

President Barack Obama delivers the State of the Union address in the House Chamber at the U.S. Capitol in Washington, D.C., Jan. 20, 2015. (Official White House Photo By Chuck Kennedy)

State of the Union speeches are tough. Here’s why:

(1) By tradition, you have to lay out a laundry list of policy ideas.

(2) Laundry lists are inherently boring.

(3) By law, each president is required give this speech and to have guests in the audience, sitting next to the First Lady or First Man (yes, we will have a lady president one day, so this title needs to be discussed), and those people in the audience get talked about at some point in the speech. I believe Ronald the Reagan started this.

(4) Okay, giving a State of the Union speech every year is not actually a law. It’s really in the U.S. Constitution, as explained here.

(5) The audience is made up of members of Congress, which means half of them will applaud if the president successfully pronounces “America” while members of the other party will sit on their hands and sneer even if you go full Oprah on them and announce that free puppies and tax breaks for each of their districts are sitting UNDER EVERY SEAT. Continue reading

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Filed under 4 Writing Secrets Wednesday, Speechwriting

BatKam, the Seahawks’ Dark Knight–plus the secret to football’s power

As I live in the Land of the Twelves, the heroics of BatKam are well known to me and my neighbors, and woe unto the wide receiver, running back or quarterback who enters his realm.

HOWEVER: What is it about football that makes us root so hard, and so faithfully, for our local team? Why is it that a random Sunday Night Football game beats a World Series game in the ratings?

It’s not a pure popularity thing. Soccer is strong here, and I know some insane baseball fans.

Football feels different.

Here’s my theory:

1) Other games, like baseball, look like games.

Baseball has a neat diamond, a slow pace and very individual stats with players spread out. It’s a team sport, sure, but more than one player is rarely involved unless it’s from a distance, or two outfielders screw up and run into each other chasing a fly ball.

Basketball is more of team vs. team sport, but it’s also more civilized than football. Sure, there’s contact in the post, and sharp elbows. It’s not a tackling sport by nature.

Hockey is more of a “warriors wearing armor” motif like football, but it’s a lot like basketball and soccer in the scoring and the spacing. Clumping up is usually a bad thing.

Boxing and MMA are actual fights, but champion fighters might lose their belts tomorrow or decide to move to Hollywood and try action movies.

Teams have staying power. You can root for them year after year.

2) Football looks and feels like war.

This is maybe the heart of football’s appeal: it’s Seattle versus San Francisco, and our strongest warriors are better than yours. Except nobody has to die.

Unlike hockey and other games where the clock keeps running, the different downs of football actually make it better. Those stoppages let football teams line up in different formations, like armies facing each other, and use an ever-changing arsenal of complicated strategies, tactics and formations.

All this gives coaches and teams vastly different personalities: finesse vs. power, defensive might vs. offensive juggernauts, the best free agents vs. building talent from young drafted players.

I’ve watched soccer for years. Technically, there are all kinds of different formations that teams and coaches use. But honestly, it looks the same to average fans like me. Same thing with basketball. Does anybody aside from deadly serious basketball fans know what Phil Jackson’s triangle offense is? Even the most casual football fan, though, can see the difference between a power running game and a spread passing attack. They get it. You don’t need to be an expert. It looks like a battle and you can tell which team, as a whole, is pushing the other team around or tricking them into big plays.

But hey, this is a random theory, and an excuse to play an awesome BatKam video from the series of tubes.

Here’s to hoping that Seattle and the Legion of Boom win one more game, even against the noble Packers (good people, good fans, good team–it would have been more fun to crush the Cowboys).

I believe in our young warriors and our ageless, energetic, positive coach, so unlike the stereotypical football guru on the sideline who never smiles.

I believe the 12’s can break the world record for noise, and that our running back can cause an earthquake.

I believe.

And that doesn’t happen with other sports.

More posts for your amusement and possible education:

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This is Guy Bergstrom the writer, not the Guy Bergstrom in Stockholm or the guy in Minnesota who sells real estate or whatever. Separate guys. Kthxbai.

Guy Bergstrom. Photo by Suhyoon Cho.

Reformed journalist. Scribbler of speeches and whatnot. Wrote a thriller that won some award and is represented by Jill Marr of the Sandra Dijkstra Literary Agency.

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Filed under The Glowing Tube

TAKE ME TO CHURCH by Hozier is film-noir goodness

Here’s the acid test, for me: I drive MANY MILES each day, listening to the radios, and if a song is good, I don’t care who sings it.

Only then do I check out the music video, and maybe blog about it on the WordPress machines.

TAKE ME TO CHURCH rocks on the radio.

However, having watched 4,092 bazillion music videos in my life, including a brief period where MTV actually played music videos, I’ve learned not to expect much from the actual video part, except for (a) boy bands dancing, (b) pop divas dancing in front of backup dancers who are far better at the dancing thing, (c) rock stars trying dance with the microphone stand or (d) hipster bands trying to be artsy and deep while mostly being bizarre.

Good music videos are rare.

I’m not talking “Bigfoot is in my backyard and I shot thirty minutes of film of him playing with my dog” kind of rare.

No. I’m talking about “Snooki is at a philosophy conference at Yale, presenting a paper on Nietzsche” rare.

So here are two music videos, both black-and-white, and both surprises.

First up is Hozier, the one from the headline. Great song on the radio, different and strong. The video makes it ever better, wonderfully shot in true film-noir style, it’s not afraid to have a non-Hollywood ending. Well played, Hozier.

The second song and video is also black-and-white and the same kind of slow burn. Had no idea who sang it when it played on the radio. Good stuff, full of pain and longing, and not your usual “baby baby” bubblegum pop nonsense with a guest rapper to give it some grit and soul. (How many times can pop stars go to that well? Apparently, forever.)

This second video shocked me by being by Selena Gomez, not known for this sort of song. And yes, she looks like every bartender in the world would card her, and the song is about Justin Bieber, who simply needs to go away. Despite those handicaps, which are huge, it works. So let’s give it props. Watch and listen.

What are your favorite music vids of 2014? Hit me in the comments, on the Twitter or whatever techno-magic you possess. BRING IT.

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This is Guy Bergstrom the writer, not the Guy Bergstrom in Stockholm or the guy in Minnesota who sells real estate or whatever. Separate guys. Kthxbai.

Guy Bergstrom. Photo by Suhyoon Cho.

Reformed journalist. Scribbler of speeches and whatnot. Wrote a thriller that won some award and is represented by Jill Marr of the Sandra Dijkstra Literary Agency.

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Filed under 2 Music Video Monday

Pop Danthology 2014 absolutely destroys all music video compilations, forever

Making a compilation video is tough enough, even if you own Final Cut Pro Version 11.7, the One That Costs More than Your Car.

Doing one of music videos ups the difficulty even more, since you probably need to be a DJ, or randomly own a sound board and have years of experience using it.

This compilation and mix of 2014 music videos is beyond masterful. Check it out. DO IT NOW.

What say you: is there a better compilation for 2014, or any other year? Offer video evidence. Bring it.

(Note: Going with DJ Earworm in 2009 is a cheat. Sorry. Not allowed).

Related posts: Music Video Monday’s Greatest Hits

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This is Guy Bergstrom the writer, not the Guy Bergstrom in Stockholm or the guy in Minnesota who sells real estate or whatever. Separate guys. Kthxbai.

Guy Bergstrom. Photo by Suhyoon Cho.

Reformed journalist. Scribbler of speeches and whatnot. Wrote a thriller that won some award and represented by Jill Marr of the Sandra Dijkstra Literary Agency.

1 Comment

Filed under 2 Music Video Monday

Six smart steps after #NaNoWriMo

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Don’t bother with sending your novel around for beta readers to chew on, editors to edit and proofers to proof. You’ve got 50,000 golden words, right? THEY MUST BE SEEN AND PUBLISHED, TOMORROW, and you’ve already told the dealership to order a black BMW because the advance will be huge.

Forget sending queries to literary agents. Call them on the telephones, right now, or get their cell number and try dinner time, because they’ll be home.

If your novel is truly great, bypass those gatekeepers and fly to the Isle of Manhattan to hail a cab for the offices of Random House with the only copy of your manuscript in your locked briefcase. Make sure there are copyright notices all over the thing and a confidentiality agreement drafted by your attorney before anybody gets a peek, lest they steal it.

Do you have your plane ticket yet? Go get one, right now.

Okay, those folks should be busy on Travelocity while literary agents and editors are hiring a team of former Special Forces soldiers to greet them in the bowels of JFK’s parking garage.

Everybody else, let’s talk turkey, post-Turkey Day.

You may have 50,000 words and a spiffy badge, 34,000 words and a feeling of failure, 13,000 words and a newfound hatred of literature or 3,923 words and a pile of index cards that say things like, “The scene where Emily discovers that she hates her husband and wants to become a nun. Then he makes her ham and eggs. The eggs are soggy but the ham is delicious.”

Related: Six easy ways to improve NaNoWriMo and Do not look upon your #NaNoWriMo word count and despair, for there is hope

So what’s next? Six smart steps, that’s what:

1) Put your novel in a drawer.

Yeah, I know it’s probably a Word doc. Stick that thing in a virtual drawer. Don’t touch it, not even to fix that scene where Emily is at work and the serial killer is in the copier room, expertly printing his manifesto on both sides and making the machine staple that sucker in the upper left corner before he kills the CFO with an industrial three-hole punch.

Now go read five great books in your genre. Paperbacks. Popular stuff, nothing a professor would assign for a term paper. Not sure what genre your novel is? Find out. Want a shortcut? Read this: Everything they taught us about stories was WRONG

Writing a romance or a thriller? Read these: Why every man MUST read a romance – and every woman a thriller and Out of fairness, I destroy my favorite genre: thrillers

2) Take the first page of those five great books in your genre and study them. Just the first page.

Now take your manuscript (mss if you’re a hipster) and print the first page. Only the first page.

Compare them all. Different authors have different styles, sure, but you shouldn’t be writing in second person, or first person plural, if all five of the bestsellers in your chosen genre of memoirs are say, first person. Just a guess. For giggles: Top 9 reasons to write in first-person plural

If you want a quick look at taking a red pen to the first pages of famous novels to rip them up, in a good way, check out these:

3) Step back from the writing of scenes and chapters and boil your story down.

Can you explain it to a random stranger at Starbucks in four sentences? How about one sentence?

Get it down to four words. Yeah, I’m serious. Writers, we are doing it BACKWARDS and Writers: can you do it in FOUR WORDS? and Writing secret: Light as air, strong as whiskey, cheap as dirt

4) Get your novel edited, and not by your mom, husband or best friend.

Because I truly believe this: The evil secret to ALL WRITING – editing is everything

Tempted to join a traditional critique group instead? Don’t. Not the kind where you meet once a month, or once a week, and everybody reads a chapter. I’m serious: Why critique groups MUST DIE

5) Read up. A lot.

Read about the business of books, whether it’s traditional publishing, indie or zipping your manuscript to servers at Amazon to start selling it tomorrow.

Read great fiction in all sorts of genres while your manuscript simmers in the oven of that drawer. Learn about writing a query and synopsis, a little marketing and public relations and social media.

A few quick starters before you hit Barnes and Noble for hefty, book-like substances:

6) After a month, go back and crack open that NaNaWriMo manuscript again.

Listen to your editors. Use what you’ve learned about storytelling and from reading great books in your genre. Fix the ending. Fix the beginning. Kill off every character you can and combine their roles. 

Keep on working on it while you dream up the next novel, which should not be a sequel. Different characters, different setting.

Does the new idea feel like work, or would you happily burn a day off to crank out chapters? Toss ideas that feel like drudgery and hold fast to concepts that make you excited. Because this should not feel like punching a clock in a Ford factory or going to meetings in a cubicle farm about your TPS reports.

Writing it should make your heart beat faster while you smile. You may even cackle the evil cackle of glee. All those are Good Things, and should be encouraged.

Also: The thing about writers and editors is this: they’re friendly, and as long as you’re not a jerk, they’ll chat with you on Twitter and help you out a little. Great people. I LOVES THEM.

Also-also: If you want to know anything, check out The Writer’s Knowledge Base for a massive collection of articles and posts on every topic a writer could want. It’s like a mega-powered and secret google for writers and editors. Plus it’s free. This thing is a public service. Use it, and tell the folks who run it thanks. Send them tips when you spot great posts or stories and some good karma.

Because there’s a lot of good karma among the folks who love books. This isn’t a zero-sum game where somebody has to lose for somebody else to win. People who love books and writing also love fellow writers and editors. We’re brothers and sisters in arms, battling word counts and deadlines and plot bunnies. It shouldn’t be stressful. Because this is fun stuff, the making up of stories to entertain each other.

Also-cubed: If this was your first NaNoWriMo, I hope you do another novel next year, and keep having fun with it. Good luck and godspeed.

Updated: links are fixed.

More posts to make your brain implode:

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This is Guy Bergstrom the writer, not the Guy Bergstrom in Stockholm or the guy in Minnesota who sells real estate or whatever. Separate guys. Kthxbai.

Guy Bergstrom. Photo by Suhyoon Cho.

Reformed journalist. Scribbler of speeches and whatnot. Wrote a thriller that won some award (PNWA 2013). Represented by Jill Marr of the Sandra Dijkstra Literary Agency.

10 Comments

Filed under 4 Writing Secrets Wednesday, Fiction, novels with Fabio covers, Red Pen of Doom, Romances; also, Thrillers and mysteries