So there is a burning ball of fire in the sky, and I am outside thinking, “What should I write next before this mysterious star god decides to fry our little space rock or whatever?”
Here are my top 10 titles and ideas, in no particular order, making them up on my phone using a virtual keyboard designed for Ewoks:
10. SNOWPOCALYPSE — Because nuclear wasteland Mad Max stuff is old hat and Kevin Costner with gills ruined Floodpocalypse stories forever.
9. REVERSE OUTLANDER — A rugged Man in a Kilt time travels to meet a married British nurse, fall in love, and get shot by her husband.
8. AND YOU SHALL KNOW US BY OUR INERTIA — A literary novel about an average man, one year before he’s hit by a truck, traveling around Madison, Wisconsin on a Little Rascal he stole from Wal-Mart. At a trailer park kiddie pool, he meets a beautiful woman and they have a moment before her boyfriend shows up.
7. SUNLIGHT — A 900-year-old witch who never ages enrolls in an Arizona high school where she stalks and seduces a 16-year-old boy until his mom notices and the police arrest her.
6. ELVES WITH LIGHTSABERS RIDING DRAGONS AND THE SHAPESHIFTING MERMAIDS WHO LOVE THEM — Come on, you’d read this.
5. MY HAIR IS WET AND TANGLED — While Mr. Grey is in London for business, our heroine struggles with her traitorous, unruly and damp hair. Also, her mother calls.
4. DUMPSTER DIVER PREPPING — Want to get ready for whichever form of doomsday you fancy (zombies, financial meltdown, global warming, nuclear war) but don’t have $250,000 for an underground bunker? This book will show you how to scavenge your way to a bug-out bag, 10 x 10 log fortress and finally a rusty container car full of rice in old milk jugs.
3. OPERATION: VENGEANCE — A skilled spy who’s seen too much and wants out of the game actually retired to Florida while his nemesis, losing hair while gaining momentum, manages to blow up Westminster while the hero golfs.
2. THE BARON AND THE BAKER — A beautiful baker is repeatedly propositioned by a notorious Baron Warner von Lichtenstein, whose fortune is rivalled only by his conquests. After he showers her with attention, flowers and jewelry, she finally tells him he’s a creepy, diseased waste of time.
1. ONE WAY MISSION — The only way to save the human race is to colonize Mars, but somebody has to go first. And they can’t come back. Lindsay Lohan, all of the Kardashians, Donald Trump, Sarah Palin and two dozen other colonists bravely make the trip before advancing our knowledge of how much radiation shielding we really need for a human to survive the trip to humanity’s new home.