Banned substances for writers

Click here to read the whole post at McSweeney’s here, because it is brilliant.

My personal favorites:

CAPOTEX — A vintage 1960s designer drug. Unlike most other banned literary substances, this drug is often used by fiction writers and non-fiction writers alike. Artificially increases prose style and sophistication. May cause speech patterns to be affected. Known to induce cutting, witty remarks in some test subjects. Long-term use can lead to literary irrelevance.

SPILLAGRA — Boosts literary testosterone levels. Known side effects include involvement with femme fatales, consumption of rye whiskey in dive bars, and over-reliance on colorful similes. If hard-boiled dialogue persists for over four hours, contact a doctor immediately.

ORWELLBUTRIN — Regulates and encourages the production of dystopamine in the brain. Developed as a means of social control, but now listed as a “doubleplus ungood” substance by the Ministry of Health. In rare cases, subjects may imagine that they can hear animals talking. Should only be taken after the clocks strike thirteen.

6 thoughts on “Banned substances for writers

  1. MiniHeal?
    Just finished re-reading that book this morning. Breakfast didn’t sit well.
    Thanks for the laughs, loved the McSweeney’s.

  2. Reblogged this on Kris Weinrich and commented:
    OPRAHDONE
    Once-popular sales and reputation enhancement drug. Known side effects include media overexposure. In rare cases, can lead to career implosion if mixed with extensive fabulism.

  3. Mock you may, but my (soon-to-be) hugely successful novel, The Talking Donkey Tower Vampires vs Evil Overlords From White Room Hulkspeakopia, was written while I was smacked out of my chops on Tropamine.

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