The Red Pen of Doom

Conventional wisdom about writing is conventionally wrong.

The scariest fish IN THE WORLD

This fish isn’t your normal scary beast, like a 20-foot-python with muscles like steel cables who wraps its coils around you and starts to squeeze, giving you only one option: pray to whatever gods will listen.

This is an over-sized piranha that EATS CROCODILES.

That’s right: a fish that eats crocodiles.

Read the full story here.

Those teeth can tear through solid steel wire. The jaw is double-hinged, so it can do a better job of munching you. These are transplanted from the mouths of T-Rexes who handed over the teeth after the fish glared at them and grunted a little. Then the fish ate the T-Rexes anyway, because to this fish, giant dinosaurs are a bunch of nancypants.

Technically, it’s called a goliath tigerfish, which is a pretty cool name for a normal fish.

Not this fish. It deserves better.

Some suggestions:

  • Don’t Go in the Water
  • The Vorpal Fish of Doom
  • Darth Piranha, the Sith Lord of Watery Death

I am officially buying six breeding pairs of these beautiful fish, then putting them in the moat at my secret lair.

Can you find a scarier beast on this green earth?

I think not. Though some of you will try. Go ahead. Bring it.


This is Guy Bergstrom the writer, not the Guy Bergstrom in Stockholm or the guy in Minnesota who sells real estate or whatever. Separate guys. Kthxbai.

Guy Bergstrom. Photo by Suhyoon Cho.

Reformed journalist. Scribbler of speeches and whatnot. Wrote a thriller that won some award (PNWA 2013). Represented by Jill Marr of the Sandra Dijkstra Literary Agency.

About Guy Bergstrom

Reformed journalist. Scribbler of speeches and whatnot.

13 comments on “The scariest fish IN THE WORLD

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  5. axxman300
    November 17, 2012

    I’ll see your tooth behemoth, and raise you an Amazon fish that will swim into your Urethra: I can handle mauling better than having a fish removed from Mr. Happy.


    • Guy
      November 18, 2012

      That is seriously messed up.


  6. joeynga
    March 4, 2012

    Now that is a bad azz fish, but have you seen this one? The Goonch catfish eats people in India (Kali River Killer). Teeth like a freakin’ shark.


  7. Dad Who Writes (Gabriel)
    March 1, 2012

    If I was a doctor, I’d probably call it “Andrew Lansley”. But that’s kind of a Brit thing.


  8. Bridget McKenna
    February 28, 2012

    I’d call him “Death to Mrs. Paul!”

    But that’s just me.


  9. epicblackcar
    October 21, 2010

    Larry of the Palouse, I miss you, and I believe all that you say is True.

    Chuck Norris Fish is good, and The Eater of Worlds is inspired.

    I say, whoever is manly — or womanly — enough to actually catch one of these things gets the right to name them forever.


  10. Larry of the Palouse
    October 21, 2010

    I love the River Monsters guy. He really topped himself with that beaut’.

    How about these names?
    Demonkiller hellfish
    Chuck Norris fish (the only thing tougher than Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris)
    Iron Maiden
    The Eater of Worlds
    Cthulthu’s little helper


  11. Kimberly Kinrade
    October 20, 2010

    Well you will really deter stalkers with those bad-ass living nightmares. Well done.


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