Okay, I’m surprised that George R.R.R.R.R.R.R. Martin wins this contest, though for some reason they skipped over Stephen the King, who may be a literary god, but who also can turn a grocery list into 1,034 pages featuring an evil clown.
Also, J.R.R. Tolkien gets credit for writing some kind of 60-page prologue to LORD OF THE RINGS that was like some sophomore history sociology major’s paper on hobbits and elves. It put the B in Boring and made me throw the book across the room, which was hard to do since I was on a beach in Maui, drinking margaritas and in the Best Mood Ever.
Also-also: J.R.R. Tolkien gets double-credit for starting the whole stupid trend of fantasy and sci-fi authors, male and female, renouncing first names in favor of initials for some reason. The trend will continue and hipster authors writing about elves with lightsabers riding dragons will, within ten years, pick pen names like “GRRRRR the Grizzly Bear” and “Sw33tn3ss M00nb3&m the Z0mbi3k1ll3r” and “Darth Elvis Skywalker III.” Bonus points if you indie-publish a book with any of those pen-names.
What famous book did you fly through, and which one took you FIVE BAZILLION YEARS?
Go crazy in the comment section.
Guy Bergstrom. Photo by Suhyoon Cho.
Reformed journalist. Scribbler of speeches and whatnot. Wrote a thriller that won some award and represented by Jill Marr of the Sandra Dijkstra Literary Agency.
I’ve got a long road trip and 10 days of no exercise allowed after a spot of surgery (it’s not a tumor!).
So I need things to read. You know, book-like substances, printed bits of dead trees.
And I want a honking pile of them.
Therefore, good people, my plea is simple. Sock it to me:
- Nominate a popular book that’s actually horrible and I’ll bleed red all over the first page
- Tell me your Favorite Book of All Time so I have something delicious to chew for hours
- Hit me up on Twitter, gmail or the comment sections if you want to collaborate on an insanely creative and secret project
- Give me a movie or music video you want dissected and taken apart, to see how it works like magic or smashes into the hard, heartless rock named Fail
- If you’re not a nancypants who’ll wind up in therapy, ship me the first page of your WIP and I may ink it up and whip it back, because EDITING IS CRAZY FUN
Also: You’re right, that headline riffs on a Don Henley song. Here it is, live.
The Red Pen of Doom’s Greatest Hits Collection: 10 Epic Posts
- Epic Black Car deserves good owner; are you worthy?
- The Mother of All Query Letters
- Why every man MUST read a romance – and every woman a thriller
- The Red Pen of Doom impales FIFTY SHADES OF GREY
- The Twitter, it is NOT for selling books
- A BOWL OF WARM MILK AND MURDER
- 30 achy breaky Twitter mistakeys
- Writing secret: Light as air, strong as whiskey, cheap as dirt
- The Red Pen of Doom murders THE FOUNTAINHEAD by Ayn Rand
- Quirks and legs matter more than talent and perfection
Guy Bergstrom. Photo by Suhyoon Cho.
Reformed journalist. Scribbler of speeches and whatnot. Wrote a thriller that won some award (PNWA 2013). Represented by Jill Marr of the Sandra Dijkstra Literary Agency.
Let’s say it: Lee Child has a Superman problem.
His hero, Reacher, is beloved by fans for having the brains of Sherlock Holmes and the body of Conan the Barbarian. The man never gets outsmarted and is invincible in a fight. Here’s the last post about these books: Secret recipe for any Lee Child novel
The latest Reacher book, NEVER GO BACK, slams smack-dab into the Superman problem. Because an invincible hero puts the B in Boring.
Did I enjoy the book? Yeah, it’s always fun to read about Reacher. With every new novel, though, Reacher struggles less and less to overcome the bad guys.
If the hero doesn’t sweat, the reader doesn’t worry. Or care.
Because I do care about Reacher and Lee Child, here are six ways to fix NEVER GO BACK.