Literary agent Cherry Weiner calls herself a dinosaur.
Bruce Lee, Darth Vader and this guy applied for the job of bodyguard for Cherry Weiner, who told them all no. Cherry Weiner doesn't need a bodyguard.
If you went to PNWA (Pacific NorthWest Writer’s Association, pronounced “pawn-WAH” because I say so) this summer, you witnessed Cherry Weiner, heard her speak, perhaps even talked to her and shaken her hand.
Do not wash that hand. Germs will never touch down again anyway.
As dictator-for-life of the secret Cherry Weiner Fan Club of Literary Awesomesauce, it is my sacred duty to explode some of the myths surrounding this goddess of books and words.
Fact 1: Cherry Weiner didn’t come to America from Australia — Australia swam to Manhattan, dropped Cherry off and swam back.
Fact 2: Thor’s hammer was forged from five parts iron, one part vibranium and three flakes of ash from Cherry Weiner’s first Marlboro.
Fact 3: Cherry Weiner doesn’t own a computer because she tells her pool boy, Keanu Reeves, to plug the hell into the Matrix and tell her anything worth knowing.
Fact 4: Don Maass came up with his “raise the stakes” schtick after he saw Cherry Weiner win the first World Series of Poker by going all-in ON EVERY HAND.
Fact 5: Cherry Weiner hasn’t stopped in a gas station for six years. Her car keeps running out of fear and respect.
Fact 6: Barry Eisler joined the CIA and studied martial arts from masters in Japan because he heard Cherry Weiner once had a shot of sake and said, “That stuff is OK.”
Fact 7: Cherry Weiner knows steampunk is split into Western and gaslight branches because she invented steampunk when the power went out in Manhattan one night in 1985.
Fact 8: Bob Mayer can kill a man with a spoon. Cherry Weiner can kill a spoon with a man.
THE MATRIX: "Perfect! Let's see that seven more times." THE MATRIX RELOADED: "Meh." THE MATRIX REVOLUTION: "Fools! You ruined it."
Fact 9: Cherry Weiner doesn’t wear a watch, because she decides what time it is.
Fact 10: There is no such thing as published books and unpublished books. There are books that Cherry Weiner kills and books she lets live.
You cannot sign up for the secret Cherry Weiner Fan Club of Literary Awesomesauce — you must be chosen for it by proving your worth.
The first method of joining is to wait for her pool boy, Keanu Reeves, to find you via the Matrix, and if you can kill him, you’re in.
The second method is to win an MMA fight without any ashes dropping from the Marlboro between your lips.
The third method is to drink Cherry Weiner under the table — but this is impossible.
Guy – Photo by Suhyoon Cho
Reformed journalist. Scribbler of speeches and whatnot. Wrote a thriller that was a finalist for some award.