All my Twitters and secret emails are at the bottom, if you want me joining your evil plans to take over the literary world — or want to talk smack about writing, editing, books and movies.
If you are more Serious, and want to Collaborate, there are things I’ll do for fun and other stuff I’ll do for suitcases packed with purple euros, because by the time our son goes to college, I expect tuition to cost $593,092 a quarter.
Five things I will NOT do, whether your euros are purple or not
(1) Edit or rewrite your novel about sparkly vampires, dragons or mafia hitmen, though I will reconsider if you let me change the story to make it feature a mafia hitman who rides a dragon as he slays sparkly vampires and shirtless werewolves.
(2) Poetry, unless you want me to write an entire book making fun of Gertrude Stein.
(4) Demolition derbies, unless the beater car from the ’70s you’ve fixed up has fins and a flamethrower.
(5) Anything involving farms, cows, pigs or wheat.
Four things I may do for purple euros or rounds of Dutch cheese
That’s it. One word. Because if you can do it with one word, why use two, 20 or 2,593?
Want more? Here you go: Edit trash into treasure. Polish something important until it’s a shiny diamond made of words.
Anything less than the best is a felony.
(2) Write things.
While I’m a reformed journalist, I still do freelance work on the side, because if you cut me, I bleed newsprint.
Three random examples:
If you need some freelance writing for a magazine or blog, and it doesn’t involve recipes for bundt cake, and you pay in something other than five free copies of that issue, sure, holler.
If your car has an Obama bumper sticker, I’ll write you a three-minute stump speech that makes you mayor of Omaha, then governor of Nebraska and President of the World.
If you’re dropping $30,000 on the wedding of your only daughter and want to make sure her special day isn’t ruined by a best man speech that is a drunken recitation of what the stripper did at the bachelor’s party, FLY TO PARIS NOW to exchange your dollars for purple euros and I will make the best man speech so golden and so beautiful that you’ll wonder if it’s too late to have your daughter marry the best man instead of that other dude in a tuxedo.
(3) Make fun of Twighlight, Ayn Rand, Nicholas Sparks or Snooki, preferably full-time and poolside using a laptop.
(4) Twitter makeovers.
I’m serious here. Let’s fix that crazy profile photo and craft a killer bio that doesn’t list your location as “hiding under the bed.”
If you have a problem, yo, I’ll solve it.
Find me on the Twitter
Post an insanely witty comment
Technically, I’m on the Book of Face, but not really. Might check it once a month. Don’t feel sad when I don’t friend for seven years, when the Book of Face has gone the way of Myspace and not even the powers of Justin Timberlake can revive it.
Secret emails, via the Series of Tubes
guybergstrom (at) gmail.com