Get in touch

All my Twitters and secret emails are at the bottom, if you want me joining your evil plans to take over the literary world — or want to talk smack about writing, editing, books and movies.

Alternative title for this: Stop, collaborate and listen.

If you are more Serious, and want to Collaborate, there are things I’ll do for fun and other stuff I’ll do for suitcases packed with purple euros, because by the time our son goes to college, I expect tuition to cost $593,092 a quarter.

Five things I will NOT do, whether your euros are purple or not

(1) Edit or rewrite your novel about sparkly vampires, dragons or mafia hitmen, though I will reconsider if you let me change the story to make it feature a mafia hitman who rides a dragon as he slays sparkly vampires and shirtless werewolves.

(2) Poetry, unless you want me to write an entire book of haikus making fun of Gertrude Stein.

(3) Yardwork.

(4) Demolition derbies, unless the beater car from the ’70s you’ve fixed up has fins and a flamethrower.

(5) Anything involving farms, cows, pigs or wheat.

Four things I may do for purple euros or rounds of Dutch cheese

(1) Edit.

That’s it. One word. Because if you can do it with one word, why use two, 20 or 2,593?

Want more? Here you go: Edit trash into treasure. Polish something important until it’s a shiny diamond made of words.

Anything less than the best is a felony.

(2) Make fun of Twighlight, Ayn Rand, Nicholas Sparks or Snooki, preferably full-time and poolside using a laptop.

(3) Write things.

While I’m a reformed journalist, I still do freelance work on the side, because if you cut me, I bleed newsprint and have a child in a private school for the gifted, which shockingly costs money. When he’s out of that, and high school, college tuition will cost $983,923 a semester or whatever. So yeah, freelance work is not only fun, it’s sometimes necessary.

What kind of things do I sometimes write? Three random examples:

  • If you need some freelance writing for a magazine or blog, and it doesn’t involve recipes for bundt cake, and you pay in something other than five free copies of that issue, sure, holler.
  • If your car has an Obama bumper sticker and you’re in Omaha, Nebraska, I’ll write you a three-minute stump speech that makes you mayor, then governor and finally President of the World.
  • If you’re dropping $30,000 on the wedding of your only daughter and want to make sure her special day isn’t ruined by a best man speech that is a drunken recitation of what the stripper did at the bachelor’s party, FLY TO PARIS NOW to exchange your dollars for purple euros and I will make the best man speech so golden and so beautiful that you’ll wonder if it’s too late to have your daughter marry the best man instead of that other dude in a tuxedo.

(4) Twitter makeovers.

I’m serious here. Let’s fix that crazy profile photo and craft a killer bio that doesn’t list your location as “hiding under the bed.” If you have a problem, yo, I’ll solve it.

Find me on the Twitter
@speechwriterguy

Post an insanely witty comment 
BRING IT.

Facebook
Technically, I’m on the Book of Face, but not really. Might check it once a month. Don’t feel sad when I don’t friend for seven years, when the Book of Face has gone the way of Myspace and not even the powers of Justin Timberlake can revive it.

Secret emails, via the Series of Tubes
guybergstrom (at) gmail.com

###

This is Guy Bergstrom the writer, not the Guy Bergstrom in Stockholm or the guy in Minnesota who sells real estate or whatever. Separate guys. Kthxbai.

Guy Bergstrom. Photo by Suhyoon Cho.

Reformed journalist. Scribbler of speeches and whatnot. Wrote a thriller that won some award (PNWA 2013). Represented by Jill Marr of the Sandra Dijkstra Literary Agency.

8 responses to “Get in touch

  1. Hey!
    I am incredibly sorry my thanks and welcome are very over due! You were my first follow even before my mother! haha I also want to say it is a joy to discover your blog! The name alone brought a smile… I hate that pen… still do no matter what color…

    Like

  2. Guy if you haven’t already read Shantaram by Gregory David Roberts, or if you have but it has been a few years, I would highly recommend it! It’s an epic story worthy of your ten days laying low to heal after your surgery.

    Like

  3. So glad SOMEONE at last spoke out against Gertrude Stein! Somehow the Academic/Literary world stopped judging writers based exclusively (or at least primarily) on the merits of their writings. Now we have “fashionable” writers who are lauded due to their identities, or due to their fortunate connections to a specific movement or time in history. Clearly Gertrude Stein is very fashionable today. It’s a shame, for it overshadows her just reputation as a champion of the Early Moderns.
    Anyway I write as well. My most important poem below. It’s not fashionable, but I’m proud of it. By the way, my pen name is my Twitter handle. Peace.
    http://writing.wikinut.com/To-the-Icons-of-the-Hour-A-Poem-for-the-Heroes-of-September-11th,-2001/4c9f67u7/

    Like

  4. Diane Jortner

    Just found you. So glad I did. I expect to go back and read all your posts over the next few weeks.
    I am tired of being an underpaid adjunct and have started (page 160) my first novel. After 18 years of editing my students, it is my time.

    Like

  5. How could you not like Gertrude Stein’s, er, ah, writing? She was a veritable font of, of, of, fontness.

    [Just goes t’show what dough, hype, and connections can do. I mean, r e a l l y. WHAT WRITING??]

    New Admirer
    Charter Member of Late Night Procrastinators, Ink [sic]
    & former member of On & On Anon [claimed I overdone ‘er]

    Like

  6. I just found your incredible blog and mentioned you to my own followers. http://www.ronherron.wordpress.com.

    Like

  7. emptydoll

    I like packets better than tubes, it’s more accurate and interesting sounding. Tubes is from that popular book isn’t it. I don’t like this, what I just wrote, so feel free to delete it. I ‘m trying to find my way back out of your blog, I got lost in the tubes, packets or whatever they are. I don’t like either of those now. I actually got lost in a bead shop in NYC one day while I was wandering around the streets with Google Maps and it wouldn’t let me out of the shop. It even had the arrows on the floor inside the store so I could browse and shop. I was finally released. I didn’t buy anything. But these things happen…

    Like

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