Protip: Do not play around with hippos. Art by Netlizard.
At 27 years old, Paul Templer was swallowed by a hippo.
In 1996, Templer was giving a tour of the Zambezi river in Africa when his canoe was overturned. As Templer paddled out to rescue a fellow guide, he was swallowed by a rude hippopotamus.
Templer documented the incident in an article written for The Guardian in May 2013. Templer writes:
I reached over to grab his outstretched hand but as our fingers were about to touch, I was engulfed in darkness…I seemed to be trapped in something slimy. There was a terrible, sulphurous smell, like rotten eggs…My arms were trapped but I managed to free one hand and felt around – my palm passed through the wiry bristles of the hippo’s snout. It was only then that I realised I was underwater, trapped up to my waist in his mouth.
…I’ve no idea how long we stayed under – time passes very slowly when you’re in a hippo’s mouth.
After having a book about the experience published in 2012 (ironically titled What’s Left Of Me), he thought that his nightmare with the “rogue hippo”, as he calls it, was over.
The shocking video of a giant flipping golden eagle, soaring in like some kind of pterodactyl, which I can’t even spell, to snatch a toddler — well, that thing may or may not be a total fake.
Watch it and decide.
Not fake is this long nature video of a golden eagle killing and eating MOUNTAIN GOATS.
I am not making that up. Why bother hunting rats, rabbits, purse dogs belonging to Paris Hilton, wolves, tiny humans and anything else under 33 pounds — why even mess with such trifling things when you can take out giant goats, and do so using jedi bird mastery of gravity?
We should remember three things: (1) birds are feathered dinosaurs, (2) golden eagles are like mini velicoraptors WHO CAN FLY and (3) if you have one as a pet, I am not cleaning the bird cage.
Bonus video: a rundown, with all kinds of scientific numbers and such about the golden eagle, truly the honey badger of birds. (Though in a fight, I’m putting a purple euro on the honey badger.)
That’s right. It’s a “man bites dog” story, a reversal you just don’t expect.
This time, though, a man dives into the water to do battle with the greatest killing machine in the ocean.
Think you’re tough because you won a fist-fight in eighth grade with that neighbor kid? Yeah, whatever. Talk to me after you’ve dived into a tuna net and killed a great white shark.
The only way this could be more impressive is if the great white shark had a tag team partner, say a giant squid.
Bonus video: Once Bitten, Twice Shy by Great White
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Guy – Photo by Suhyoon Cho
Reformed journalist. Scribbler of speeches and whatnot. Wrote a thriller that was a finalist for some award.
So I see this on the interwebs, and my brain says, “Ah, here we have James Cameron, busy at work on AVATAR 2: BLUE MONKEYS VERSUS HUMANS AGAIN, BECAUSE I WANT ANOTHER BILLION DOLLARS.”
But no, this is a real animal here on Earth instead of whatever that Avatar planet is named, though I believe this blue dragon would be something the blue monkeys ride if they’re traveling by sea. Also, it probably eats unobtanium for breakfast, because blue dragon mollusks munch up deadly poisons from prey and recycle that stuff with a shrug. Can you do that, Mr. Top of the Food Chain? I DON’T THINK SO.
Here’s a photo:
Have you ever seen this animal before? Me, neither, because it just arrived in a space ship from the water planet Xenu.
And before we get to video proof that this isn’t some PhotoShop job, or some kind of sasquatch prank by college kids who got all Dr. Frankenstein with two oysters and a bunch of model paint, here’s the Wikipedia page on blue dragons, which boffins (scientists) call “glaucus atlanticus” for some boring reason involving science and such.
HOWEVER: Some people call these “blue dragon sea slugs.” Even if they are related to sea slugs — say, sea slugs are their ugly uncle — it’s wrong to call these beautiful little guys “slugs.” No. They’re 5.92 bazillion times cooler than boring gray slugs, which don’t ingest deadly toxins for breakfast and can instead be killed by plain old table salt. No self-respecting thing can stroll into a super-hero bar and say, “Hey, my super power is, like, crawling all over plants to get my slime on them, but my super-weakness, uh, is, you know, table salt.”
The blue dragon mollusk, now, can float into that same bar looking awesome and not have to say a word, because if you disrespect it, say hello to a little free dose of deadly toxic whatever.
You have questions, random peoples of the Series of Tubes, and do I have random answers? Maaaybe.
Question: Where can I buy a blue dragon mollusk?
Answer: At the blue dragon mollusk store. No, I am kidding. These are not pets. These are aliens from the planet Xenu, and if you try to keep them as pets, their buddies show up in a wicked spaceship and zoom off to find more venomous things to eat for breakfast.
Question: Does the blue dragon mollusk really eat deadly venomous animals?
Answer: Yes. They eat stuff like the man-of-war, which is only found in the ocean, and not pet stores, making it even harder for people to feed their kidnapped blue dragon mollusk they’re trying to keep as a pet. Though I think the plural should be “men-of-war” or “men without hats,” who are only found in Australia. I also believe they eat peppers, like the ghost pepper, in their salsa. Sour cream and guacamole is too nancypants for them.
Question: What other insane animals don’t I know about?
Answer: These things.
This is a real animal, an aye-aye, not an extra from a bad horror movie.
The dumbo octopus, also a real animal that I did not make up. He’s buddies with the blue dragon mollusk, but not the honey badger, who he believes is a bit too aggro.
On to the footage: blue dragons in the wild.
More blue dragon footage, because I’m still not convinced.
OK, I’m convinced, and want some for pets, as long as they don’t evolve into those giant VW-sized facehugger things from PROMETHEUS.
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Guy – Photo by Suhyoon Cho
Reformed journalist. Scribbler of speeches and whatnot. Wrote a thriller that was a finalist for some award.
This is a local otter, in the Tacoma, and I HAVE SEEN IT.
It may even be the same otter I shot (with the Nikon of Infinite Beauty). That photo got picked up by the world’s greatest collection of otter photos, maybe because it’s the only place on the web that obsesses about cute photographs of otters.
Here’s my photo.
Yes, this is perhaps the same genius otter who stacks cups, or possibly his cousin, Harry, who’ll never stack cups and will stick to busting oysters and breaking hearts. Photo by Guy Bergstrom.
And here’s the blog of otters, otters and, for variety, more otters.
Why a blog devoted entirely to photos of otters? Three reasons: (1) why not? (2) no animal is cuter than an otter and (3) you can’t spell awesomesauce without “aw.”
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Guy – Photo by Suhyoon Cho
Reformed journalist. Scribbler of speeches and whatnot. Wrote a thriller that was a finalist for some award.
The nation of Belarus, a leftover from the old Soviet Union, is all upset and in therapy because Swedish democracy activist types organized an invasion of paratrooper teddy bears, each one bearing a message of peace and human rights and such.
Teddy Bear paratrooper people of Sweden, I salute your creativity and courage. Belarus could have scrambled MiG‘s to shoot you out of the sky. But no, you flew low and steady, allowing the brave teddy bear paratroopers to successfully deploy their chutes and accomplish their mission of peace and tolerance. Well done.
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Guy – Photo by Suhyoon Cho
Reformed journalist. Scribbler of speeches and whatnot. Wrote a thriller that was a finalist for some award.
No. See, that’s thinking too small, and tempting the gods too little.
Word is Palmer also wants to hand scientists all kinds of cash to RESURRECT DINOSAURS to put in this park/resort thing he’s building. (Read the story here.) You know, because that worked out so well for Jeff Goldblum and that dude who looked kinda like Hemingway.
Palmer looks nothing like Hemingway, therefore his plan is doomed.
Also, as a bonus video, who knew Jeff Goldblum could combine a geeky scientist with a cheesy pickup artist? That, my friends, is the power of Method Acting or whatever.
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Guy – Photo by Suhyoon Cho
Reformed journalist. Scribbler of speeches and whatnot. Wrote a thriller that was a finalist for some award.
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