Category Archives: 1 Survival Sunday

JADE HELM: Texas rebels train kamikaze armadillos for coming federal invasion

HOUSTON—In an empty parking lot behind a suburban Cabela’s, they’re preparing for war.

There’s a retired Marine who did two tours in Afghanistan in the far corner, teaching five local men it’s better to pull the trigger on your AR-15 once and hit the enemy than empty the magazine in a “spray-and-pray” that only wastes a clip.

But the real secret weapon sits in a crate on the back of J.T. Derringer’s rusting Ford 150.

“There’s no way we can win a conventional war, not even with the Texas Guard, Chuck Norris and Ted Nugent on our side,” said Derringer, who called himself the five-star brigadier general of the Volunteer Army of the Republic of Texas. “And it’s damn near impossible to fight a successful guerilla campaign without jungles like ‘Nam or mountains like ‘Stan—so we aim to get creative.”

U.S. Army troops spent years learning how to spot and destroy IEDs in Iraq and Afghanistan, Derringer said, so that powerful tactic isn’t really an option for his rag-tag rebels.

But what about a mobile IED, one that’s low to the ground and remote-controlled? One that tends to jump up to four feet in the air when startled?

“If you drive these parts, you see plenty of armadillos as roadkill,” Derringer said. “That got me thinking, why not use their natural habits to our advantage, militaristically speaking?”

A nine-banded armadillo in the wild. Photo courtesy of Wikipedia commons.

A nine-banded armadillo in the wild. Photo courtesy of Wikipedia commons.

The first experiments did not go well. They successfully combined a pipe bomb, duct tape, the working bits of a cattle prod and a remote control taken from toy monster truck with two broken wheels, all items Derringer had in his garage. Those components worked, sort of. Pushing left and right on the controls gave the nine-banded armadillo a shock to the left or right, though their first test case simply jumped straight in the air whichever direction they pushed.

“That old cattle prod was engineered for steers that weigh more than my ex-wife,” Derringer said. “Far too powerful for a little old armadillo, so I don’t question why it ran scattered right under Johnny Lee’s new Tundra, hiding from all that pain and shock. I do apologize to Johnny Lee for how it torched his ride, though we had to tease him about maybe buying an American pickup with the insurance money.”

Derringer is also training the remaining platoon of armadillos for underground warfare.

“We read about the secret tunnels beneath Wal-Marts, the ones they’ll use for re-education camps,” Derringer said. “One tunnel plus one armadillo equals no more tunnels and a lot more freedom.”

When asked about reports that Jade Helm is simply a military training exercise, or that Texas was already part of the United States and not in need of being invaded and conquered, Derringer shook his head and spat on the ground.

“Isn’t that what you’d expect them to say, seeing how they’re lying?” he said. “I’d rather believe the honest patriotic journalists at World Net Daily and that Texas Ranger who witnessed saw trains with shackles. Plus, this morning Johnny Lee says he saw heard straight from his barber who read something online about Sarah Palin flying down from Alaska with a planeload of guns, moose jerky and night-vision goggles.”

Derringer said if his forces run out of ammunition and armadillos before Palin touches down, his backup plan was to base every brigade of his army within half a mile of the nearest Cabela’s, since it’s already “packed to the rafters” with tents, camo, boots, rifles and 5.56 mm ammo.

A separate team of trackers and hunters, he said, were out in the bush right now, gathering up a sufficient supply of armadillos for the coming Armageddon.

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This is Guy Bergstrom the writer, not the Guy Bergstrom in Stockholm or the guy in Minnesota who sells real estate or whatever. Separate guys. Kthxbai.

Guy Bergstrom. Photo by Suhyoon Cho.

Reformed journalist. Scribbler of speeches and whatnot. Represented by Jill Marr of the Sandra Dijkstra Literary Agency.

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Filed under Animals, monsters and monstrous animals, Fighting and MMA, Gear, guns and such, Muffin chokers, Zombie apocalypse

Everybody panic: expert says Yellowstone Supervolcano could ‘destroy the United States’

So people are freaking out because (a) the Yellowstone supervolcano blows up every 600,000 years, (b) it would turn North America into a sea of ash and create a mini Ice Age, (c) the magma pit under the supervolcano is causing earthquakes and bulging and  (d) there’s a viral video of bison running along a highway, supposedly fleeing the coming explosion.

Well, grab your bug-out bag and run for the hills.

Except it might not happen for another 100,000 years. So there’s that.

This video lends weight to survivalist types pointing at the stockpile of canned food and ammo in the basement and saying, “See? It was all worth it. Throw the tent in the pickup and let’s head to the Yukon.” Continue reading

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Filed under 1 Survival Sunday, Gear, guns and such, Zombie apocalypse

Bulletproof skin and other insane inventions

This isn’t science fiction, or something dreamed up by Stan Lee back in 1962.

An artist teamed up with scientists to (1) weave artificial spider silk, (2) grow real cells around that scaffold then (3) look for firearms.

So what happened when Bulletproof Skin 1.0 got shot by a low-powered .22 bullet?

Yeah, it bounced off.

A full-powered .22 pierced the skin, though she thinks doubling the strength of the spider silk weave would buttress the skin and make it tough enough.

Science is magic.

Then there’s this CEO, who sells stab-proof vests and stands behind his product by letting an employee, or a dude who really hates him, hit him with a metal baton, slash him with a box-cutter and stab him with a knife.

But for full-on crazy, you need to see the Canadian man who’s been trying to build an anti-bear suit for years. He lets himself get hit by logs, Ewok-style, and thrown off cliffs, hit by cars, whacked by a gang of men with baseball bats, all to demonstrate the strength of his latest version of the suit.

You can’t make this stuff up. And because I can: 41 other brilliant (or insane) inventions from around the world.

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This is Guy Bergstrom the writer, not the Guy Bergstrom in Stockholm or the guy in Minnesota who sells real estate or whatever. Separate guys. Kthxbai.

Guy Bergstrom. Photo by Suhyoon Cho.

Reformed journalist. Scribbler of speeches and whatnot. Wrote a thriller that won some award (PNWA 2013). Represented by Jill Marr of the Sandra Dijkstra Literary Agency.

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Filed under 1 Survival Sunday, Muffin chokers

You’re doing it wrong: FIGHTING

As a teenager, I spent years learning how to kick people in the head, and avoid getting whacked in the noggin.

Great exercise, good discipline, all that. But it’s not practical for real life OR the zombie apocalypse, which are the two infallible acid tests on this blog.

Even the best fighters in MMA are crazy careful about kicking high, because it’s high-risk, high-reward. Fighters tend to unload high kicks late in the fight, when their opponent is already reeling, because a fresh enemy will catch your fancy high kick and plant you on your butt, then rain down elbows until the ref pulls them off before your face turns into raw hamburger.

So sure, high kicks look impressive, and they’re great in kickboxing matches where wrestling isn’t allowed. Yet high-kicks are just one example out of 5.83 bazillion why we’ve been doing it wrong when it comes to fighting.

Let’s take an average-sized woman and train her in kung fu and karate since birth. Take her in the prime of her life, in her 20’s at her strongest. I still don’t want a 5’4″ woman weighing 135 pounds taking on 6’3 man who’s 235, no matter how little training he’s had.

Or two men. Or five drunks in a bar, like we see in the movies all the time. Sure, there’s a chance she could wipe the floor with them. Yet even if she’s the UFC middleweight champ, two-on-one is a bad fight.

And no, I’m not saying our hypothetical Super Woman should also dedicate her life to wrestling, Brazillian jiu-jitsu and Thai kickboxing to round things out and turn her into even more of a killing machine.

This is what I’m saying: if it takes a lifetime of training to make it a fair fight between somebody who’s shorter and smaller versus a bigger and untrained opponent, then we’re doing it all kinds of wrong.

Here’s a great fight scene from THE BOURNE IDENTITY, which Matt Damon fighting for his life against an equally skilled opponent. They’re about the same size, too. Take five inches and thirty pounds away from Matt and tell me he wins this fight.

These days I’m taking boxing from Mike, a Marine Recon commando in ‘Nam who’s been studying the sweet science since before I was born. He could whip me in two seconds. Yet as much as I love pounding the heavy bag and making the speed bag blur, it’s not a practical self-defense art for my wife or 11-year-old son. Great for me. Bad for them. It’s pretty unlikely I’ll be getting into scraps with 6’7 dudes who weigh 300, not unless the offensive line of the Seahawks comes to town and I spill beer on all of them while talking smack about their moms and Pete Carroll’s hair.

Tell me boxing will help me against seven dudes who all make me look like I’m in kindergarden.

Now it’s true that mixed martial arts and the UFC are changing things fast. Traditional martial arts that haven’t really been tested against others are being told to put up or shut up. Your stuff works? Show me. Put it in the ring.

Yet MMA isn’t an answer, not for the average person.

A huge part of MMA fighting is going to the ground against a single opponent. It’s true most fights turn into wrestling matches and wind up on the ground. But guess what? Rolling around on the floor with somebody is something you absolutely, positively cannot afford to do in real life, not if your enemy possibly has a buddy within shouting distance.

Standing, two-on-one is bad enough. On the ground, it’s deadly.

Even MMA isn’t street conditions. Fighters wrap and tape their hands to protect themselves. The gloves are to protect their opponents. Despite all this, these highly trained gladiators, the best in the world, often break their hands in fights.

On the street, your wrists won’t be protected by wraps. Your knuckles won’t be cushioned by tape. If you get in a fight and punch somebody right in the face or head as hard as you can, yeah, you’re going to break your hand.

If you’re lucky and don’t break your hand, a smaller person–a woman, a kid, whoever–will typically lose a fist-fight against a taller, heavier opponent.

What do we need instead?

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Filed under 1 Survival Sunday, Fighting and MMA

Giant killer hornets prepare to devour the planet

As a fan of monsters, and animals, and monstrous animals, I like learning about obscure or scary beasts.

However, the giant asian hornet is not a curiousity to be admired and talked about in polite company while you eat finger food and sip a nice bottle of Riesling from the Rhine Valley.

No. The giant asian hornet is making the great white shark look like a toothless poodle right now.

Sharks kill a handful of people each year. Dogs and cow (yes, cows) actually kill far, far more humans. So yes, JAWS was a great movie, but we really have more to fear from Spot the Dog and Bessie the Cow than any shark, which is apparently smarter and more concerned with eating, I don’t know, fish. Maybe because fish don’t have boats and spearguns and nuclear weapons. 

These hornets, though, are armored flying spaceships. Which hate you.

Check out three headlines that I’m not making up:

That’s right. The last story should get you: they’re already in the United States.

Continue reading

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Filed under 1 Survival Sunday, Animals, monsters and monstrous animals

Prepare yourself for the robopocalypse

So this robot can walk, carry heavy objects — and hurl those heavy objects at your noggin.

This is either (a) the best thing ever or (b) Step No. 4,932 toward making TERMINATOR a documentary film.

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Why doomsday preppers are DOING IT WRONG

How to survive the coming Robopocalypse

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Survival Sunday: The world’s first zombie-proof house

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This is Guy Bergstrom the writer, not the Guy Bergstrom in Stockholm or the guy in Minnesota who sells real estate or whatever. Separate guys. Kthxbai.

Guy Bergstrom. Photo by Suhyoon Cho.

Reformed journalist. Scribbler of speeches and whatnot. Wrote a thriller that won some award (PNWA 2013). Represented by Jill Marr of the Sandra Dijkstra Literary Agency.

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Filed under 1 Survival Sunday, Zombie apocalypse

DECAY, a zombie movie made by real scientists

Not just any old scientists playing with beakers in the lab or whatever. No.

Brilliant boffins who work at the world’s greatest superconducting super-collider made this zombie movie, using the creepy tunnel parts of their fancy machine as movie sets.

I would actually watch this thing.

Not too shabby, scientist peoples of CERN — keep on making these things.

Related posts:

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This is Guy Bergstrom the writer, not the Guy Bergstrom in Stockholm or the guy in Minnesota who sells real estate or whatever. Separate guys. Kthxbai.

Guy Bergstrom. Photo by Suhyoon Cho.

Reformed journalist. Scribbler of speeches and whatnot. Wrote a thriller that won some award (PNWA 2013). Represented by Jill Marr of the Sandra Dijkstra Literary Agency.

5 Comments

Filed under 3 Tinseltown Tuesday, The Big Screen, Zombie apocalypse