Banned substances for writers

Click here to read the whole post at McSweeney’s here, because it is brilliant.

My personal favorites:

CAPOTEX — A vintage 1960s designer drug. Unlike most other banned literary substances, this drug is often used by fiction writers and non-fiction writers alike. Artificially increases prose style and sophistication. May cause speech patterns to be affected. Known to induce cutting, witty remarks in some test subjects. Long-term use can lead to literary irrelevance.

SPILLAGRA — Boosts literary testosterone levels. Known side effects include involvement with femme fatales, consumption of rye whiskey in dive bars, and over-reliance on colorful similes. If hard-boiled dialogue persists for over four hours, contact a doctor immediately.

ORWELLBUTRIN — Regulates and encourages the production of dystopamine in the brain. Developed as a means of social control, but now listed as a “doubleplus ungood” substance by the Ministry of Health. In rare cases, subjects may imagine that they can hear animals talking. Should only be taken after the clocks strike thirteen.

Related posts:


This is Guy Bergstrom the writer, not the Guy Bergstrom in Stockholm or the guy in Minnesota who sells real estate or whatever. Separate guys. Kthxbai.

Guy Bergstrom. Photo by Suhyoon Cho.

Reformed journalist. Scribbler of speeches and whatnot. Wrote a thriller that won some award (PNWA 2013). Represented by Jill Marr of the Sandra Dijkstra Literary Agency.

About these ads


Filed under 4 Writing Secrets Wednesday, Fiction

6 responses to “Banned substances for writers

  1. MiniHeal?
    Just finished re-reading that book this morning. Breakfast didn’t sit well.
    Thanks for the laughs, loved the McSweeney’s.


  2. Reblogged this on Kris Weinrich and commented:
    Once-popular sales and reputation enhancement drug. Known side effects include media overexposure. In rare cases, can lead to career implosion if mixed with extensive fabulism.


  3. Thank you for sharing. These are brilliant!


  4. Hilarious! Sounds like a great black market for someone… :) I will be over to check out the rest of the post.


  5. *bwahaha* These are bloody brilliant! Thanks for sharing. I’ll be giggling off and on all day. ;)


  6. Mock you may, but my (soon-to-be) hugely successful novel, The Talking Donkey Tower Vampires vs Evil Overlords From White Room Hulkspeakopia, was written while I was smacked out of my chops on Tropamine.


Leave a witty comment

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s