Writers: can you do it in FOUR WORDS?

That’s the acid test for every writer: four words.

If somebody in line with you for the Largest Latte Known to Man asks what you’re working on, can you explain it in four words?

How about eight words?

Because if you can’t, you’re not really done.

What if I told you ... how to get to Sesame Street?

And I don’t care that you’ve spent the last seven years locked away in a French monastery, slaving away 25 hours a day, eight days a week to perfect (a) The Great American Novel, Even Though It Was Written in France, (b) the movie script that will turn Hollywood on its ear and stop it from spending $250 million apiece on Michael Bay explosion-fests involving robots that transform into cars or whatever  or (c) a punk-rock masterpiece with song after song with lyrics so beautiful, and rebelliously ugly, that anyone who listens to it quits working for The Man and buys an electric Fender so they can learn the only three chords you need to know to become AN INSANE ROCK GOD.

So let’s get down to it. If you haven’t already, read these posts to get all educated and such, even though it is technically cheating — because today, there is a quiz.

Writing secret: Light as air, strong as whiskey, cheap as dirt

Writers, we are doing it BACKWARDS

Writing secret: all you need is CURIOSITY and SURPRISE

THE MOTHER OF ALL LOGLINE QUIZZES

Loglines, which, if you weren’t paying attention, are short little summaries of movies and books and such.

There are two ways to score this quiz, the first involving length and the second quality.

Four words or less gets you an A, five words is a B and so forth.

Quality is subject, but even if your logline is insanely brilliant, anything over eight words gets a big fat F, and F that glows in the dark and follows you around for a week like a bad cold or a moldy metaphor, which is like a simile, but different.

Sidenote: If you are a Literary Muffin of Stud, go ahead and share your brilliant answers in the comments. Then we’ll talk smack.

Sidenote on the side of that sidenote: If you are a shy lurker, as 99.9 percent of writers are, print this and scribble your answers, then share your brilliant answers somewhere, with somebody. Because it’s time you stopped being a shy lurker writer type. YOUR HEAD WILL NOT EXPLODE. Maybe you’ll even make a friend over the Series of Tubes and such, fall in love, get married and move to a former dairy farm in Vermont or whatever. These things have happened.

Quiz Part 1) Write a logline for your favorite movie, but turn the villain into the hero without changing the story.

Example

STAR WARS:  Wise ruler fights to stop murderous rebels, who keep blowing up invaluable public property.

Shot the length rule to bits there. Let’s shorten it to five words.

STAR WARS: Wrinkled leader battles murderous rebels.

There we go. I like it. Could have nailed four words if we smited “wrinkled,” but I don’t care.

Bonus, because we hit five words and give ourselves an A++ and such: Palpatine’s Greatest Hits, Vol. 1.

Quiz Part 2) Take your current project — movie, novel, performance art piece involving a dance number that expresses your feelings about unemployment — and write a logline making fun of it.

Go ahead. Have at it.

It’s more fun than you’d expect.

Quiz Part 3) Write five fresh loglines by twisting or rewriting stupid books and movies that had promise, then took all that promise and blew it to pieces with The 12-gauge of Utter Stupidity.

Examples

MATRIX REVOLUTIONS: Man wins war against robot enslavers.

Six words. It’s a better plot, because not Keanu “Whoah” Reeves doesn’t sacrifice his life to play virus cleaner for the robots, therefore protecting the status quo and ensuring a cycle of endless war and nuttiness. His death actually changes things with this logline. But six words is still too long.

MATRIX REVOLUTIONS: Man frees mankind from robots.

Five words. Too many “mans” in there. Where’s Trinity and such? But it’s better.

ONE SHOT: Tom Cruise is a foot too short to play Reacher.

Yes, I am a bad man. The trailer still looks awful. Couldn’t they find some short actors to play the thugs who Tom Cruise beats up? It looks like junior high bullies hassling a second-grader for his lunch money.

ONE DAY: Man meets girl, loses girl, gets girl back.

That’s the standard plot for every romantic comedy ever, but it’s also 1,398 times better than the actual plot of ONE DAY where man meets girl, man loses girl, man loses girl again, man finally marries girl, girl gets RANDOMLY PANCAKED BY A TRUCK, man is sad, roll credits.

TRANSFORMERS 3: DARK SIDE OF THE MOON OR WHATEVER: Magic robots leave Earth, because why would magic robots need our lame technology and such anyway? Also, Megan Fox buys a pair of pants.

I’m cheating again, though it is fun. Alright, TRANSFORMERS 3: Robot war obliterates Earth.

Much better. Also, it’s right up the alley of Michael Bay, who loves nothing more than blowing up stuff anyway.

###

This is Guy Bergstrom the writer, not the Guy Bergstrom in Stockholm or the guy in Minnesota who sells real estate or whatever. Separate guys. Kthxbai.

Guy Bergstrom. Photo by Suhyoon Cho.

Reformed journalist. Scribbler of speeches and whatnot. Wrote a thriller that won some award (PNWA 2013). Represented by Jill Marr of the Sandra Dijkstra Literary Agency.

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23 Comments

Filed under 4 Writing Secrets Wednesday, Fiction, The Big Screen

23 responses to “Writers: can you do it in FOUR WORDS?

  1. Pingback: Writing a Logline for Your Book | Writing & Random Thoughts

  2. Pingback: Can You Do It In FOUR WORDS? | Page Pounders

  3. Okay. *rolls up sleeves* *notices she’s not wearing sleeves* *changes shirt*

    1. Prince fights piracy. (Princess Bride)
    2. my current: Aliens pwnd by babe.
    or, for the longer version: Scientist babe enthralls winged alien hotties.
    3. Let’s see….I’m going to have word count problems. I can tell.
    a) Jealousy and ambition drive a woman to the brink. (Showgirls)
    b) Man hunts child-stealing monsters. (Alone in the Dark)
    c) Two men will do whatever it takes to protect their charges. (White Chicks)
    d) Caught between heaven and hell, a man fights for himself and humanity. (Constantine)
    e) Thief saves the world – and brings us clean energy. (The Saint)

    Yep. Sucked it up on the word count. Bummer.

    Like

  4. “Haunted woman uncovers dark secret in France.” Bingo bango bongo…..

    Like

  5. 1) Scientist attempts global nuclear purification (Mission Impossible 4)

    2) Lord of the…Swords?? (My novel.. Hahaha!!)

    3) Men lost. Wolves found. (The Grey)
    Family kidnapping holiday (Taken 2)
    He said that last time! (Taken 2)
    Old story, less old tricks (Taken 2)
    Taken 1 version 2 (Taken 2)

    Like

  6. Their faith in prequels became their downfall.

    Like

  7. LOGLINE WRITTEN FROM ANTAG’S POV
    Shakespeare in Love
    Queen orders play to go on without Gwyneth.

    MY NOVEL
    (struggling here, Guy, weigh in!)

    Garden of Lost and Found
    1) Boy rebells, destroys snake farm and saves self.

    2) Boy’s rebellion destroys Garden of Eden Serpentarium.

    3) Boy destroys Garden of Eden snake farm and lives to tell the tale.

    Every time I write this thing it gets longer, darn it!

    Like

  8. juliabarrett

    Futuristic time travel romance.

    Like

  9. I think I can. My fourth novel. “Woman goes with alien.”

    Like

  10. ann

    I guess I’ll be extroverted today.
    1, Prince murders old lady (Stardust)
    2. Dimensionality curse in quantum theory (dissertation)
    3.
    A. Aliens vs. sprinklers (Signs)
    B. Beware creepy pool ladies (Lady in the water)
    C. Shoot anything that moves (Shoot’em up)
    D. Girl, spanked (50 shades)
    E. Whiny teen loses hand (SW, episode 2)

    Like

  11. I had a write a whole blog post to tackle this excellent quiz. Please enjoy:

    http://giganticide.com/2012/12/12/four-word-logline-challenge/

    Like

  12. Pingback: Four-Word Logline Challenge « Giganticide

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