The automatic shotgun: born for a zombie apocalypse

Anyone who watches zombie movies knows the scene I’m talking about: the chainsaw massacre.

A hero grabs a chainsaw and starts wading through the zombie hordes. Sure, a Husqvarna  450 is loud and impressive, but it’s not a serious zombie killer. The sucker is heavy, requires gas and makes a lot of noise, which only attracts more zombies. Also, you’ve got to get all up close and personal, with black zombie blood spraying everywhere and infecting anybody with an open wound or an open mouth. I mean, the more you think about it, the more you say, “Hey, you take the manly chainsaw, and I’ll stick with the wussy little Glock.”

By the same token, a machine gun is bad, because it’s super loud and wastes all kinds of ammo, since zombies have to be hit squarely in the head.

HOWEVER: an automatic shotgun, like this, would actually be amazing useful. Every man secretly wants two of this mounted his in car, 007-style.

Sidenote: every man also wants a working lightsaber, a red one (blue ones are nancypants) because Darth Vaderwill always be epic, except when George Lucas turns him into a whiny little kid named Annie, which I believe was some kind of comic and a movie about a red-headed orphan girl who went to live with Lex Luthor. Also, (1) I’d rather watch Vader grab a cart and go shopping at Safeway than see the latest movie Sylvester Stallone puts out, because I saw THE EXPENDABLES on an airplane and it was quite expendable and (2) we men of the world would happily pool our beer money to raise the $59.3 million in CGI that George Lucas would require to make a five-minute short where Darth Vader takes apart Jar-Jar Binks in the Thunderdome, with Mel Gibson on deck after. Also, Carrot Top, who for some reason has turned into a Oompa-Loompah steroid monster. And Snooki fourth. Then all of the Kardashians and Kanye West, with special guest star Taylor Swift getting a front row seat to watch it all. OK, I believe that’s it.

Back to the automatic shotgun, which is amazing: With one of these and a lightsaber, an action hero would be ready for any form of apocalypse, be it (a) zombies, (b) insect-like aliens, (c) zombie aliens or (d) hordes of blood-thirsty and shirtless werewolves who are all upset that some random, whiny high school girl — who is not remotely pretty enough to fight over — picked some boring sparkly vampire instead of their leader, the Blue Power Ranger.

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This is Guy Bergstrom the writer, not the Guy Bergstrom in Stockholm or the guy in Minnesota who sells real estate or whatever. Separate guys. Kthxbai.

Guy Bergstrom. Photo by Suhyoon Cho.

Reformed journalist. Scribbler of speeches and whatnot. Wrote a thriller that won some award (PNWA 2013). Represented by Jill Marr of the Sandra Dijkstra Literary Agency.

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6 Comments

Filed under 1 Survival Sunday, Zombie apocalypse

6 responses to “The automatic shotgun: born for a zombie apocalypse

  1. I think you’re on to something there, Guy.

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  2. Forget zombies, I’m thinking EMP weapon. And you can watch the Darth Vader canteen incident on you tube for free. How can you go wrong with Eddie Izzard, even if he does dress like a woman? I think it’s just a brilliant ploy to make the $$$. And he still says f**k a lot. ;-)

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  3. My old man is plotting how to get one. An automatic shotgun that is. He’s always looking for a bigger gun or a better gun…says he can never have a enough guns. He also thinks Red Dawn is gonna happen in some way. Maybe not the Russians…but somehow he’s sure the world will be reduced to us all running to the hills in SUVs, stockpiling weapons and water and trying to protect our wimmenfolk…

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