Top 10 facts about agent Cherry Weiner, who has a license to kill

Literary agent Cherry Weiner calls herself a dinosaur.

If you went to PNWA (Pacific NorthWest Writer’s Association, pronounced “pawn-WAH” because I say so) this summer, you witnessed Cherry Weiner, heard her speak, perhaps even talked to her and shaken her hand.

Do not wash that hand. Germs will never touch down again anyway.

As dictator-for-life of the secret Cherry Weiner Fan Club of Literary Awesomesauce, it is my sacred duty to explode some of the myths surrounding this goddess of books and words.

Fact 1: Cherry Weiner didn’t come to America from Australia — Australia swam to Manhattan, dropped Cherry off and swam back.

Fact 2: Thor’s hammer was forged from five parts iron, one part vibranium and three flakes of ash from Cherry Weiner’s first Marlboro.

Fact 3: Cherry Weiner doesn’t own a computer because she tells her pool boy, Keanu Reeves, to plug the hell into the Matrix and tell her anything worth knowing.

Fact 4: Don Maass came up with his “raise the stakes” schtick after he saw Cherry Weiner win the first World Series of Poker by going all-in ON EVERY HAND.

Fact 5: Cherry Weiner hasn’t stopped in a gas station for six years. Her car keeps running out of fear and respect.

Fact 6: Barry Eisler joined the CIA and studied martial arts from masters in Japan because he heard Cherry Weiner once had a shot of sake and said, “That stuff is OK.”

Fact 7: Cherry Weiner knows steampunk is split into Western and gaslight branches because she invented steampunk when the power went out in Manhattan one night in 1985.

Fact 8: Bob Mayer can kill a man with a spoon. Cherry Weiner can kill a spoon with a man.

THE MATRIX: "Perfect! Let's see that seven more times." THE MATRIX RELOADED: "Meh." THE MATRIX REVOLUTION: "Fools! You ruined it."

THE MATRIX: “Perfect! Let’s see that seven more times.” THE MATRIX RELOADED: “Meh.” THE MATRIX REVOLUTION: “Fools! You ruined it.”

Fact 9: Cherry Weiner doesn’t wear a watch, because she decides what time it is.

Fact 10: There is no such thing as published books and unpublished books. There are books that Cherry Weiner kills and books she lets live.

You cannot sign up for the secret Cherry Weiner Fan Club of Literary Awesomesauce — you must be chosen for it by proving your worth.

The first method of joining is to wait for her pool boy, Keanu Reeves, to find you via the Matrix, and if you can kill him, you’re in.

The second method is to win an MMA fight without any ashes dropping from the Marlboro between your lips.

The third method is to drink Cherry Weiner under the table — but this is impossible.

###

Guy - Photo by Suhyoon Cho

Guy – Photo by Suhyoon Cho

Reformed journalist. Scribbler of speeches and whatnot. Wrote a thriller that was a finalist for some award.

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22 Comments

Filed under 4 Writing Secrets Wednesday

22 responses to “Top 10 facts about agent Cherry Weiner, who has a license to kill

  1. Pingback: What doesn’t kill you makes you happy FOR MONTHS | The Red Pen of Doom

  2. I feel very fortunate that she’s my secret agent of doom. Which means she’s on my side. Which means I win, as long as she says it’s okay.

  3. Pingback: Steampunk goodness | The Red Pen of Doom

  4. Madison Woods

    Just found out yesterday that Cherry is coming to our neck of the woods for a writer’s conference in October – so your post convinced me this is someone I should ply with my pitch. Mighty serendipitous to find that out the day after reading your glowing post, even if your post is an older one I happened on… but no, that makes it even more intriguing. Maybe I’ll get to report back that she’s MY awesome agent, too.

    Thanks for following my blog :)

  5. Madison Woods

    She sounds like a woman who knows what she wants and stops at nothing to get it. Love it!

  6. Jessa

    I’ve read recently that she does in fact rep YA. Is this incorrect? Also, how on earth do I go about querying this most awesome of agents? I’d like to start with finding a bit more info as well – not that learning these fantastic bits of info wasn’t enough. ;-) I can’t find a website for her anywhere.

    Help?

  7. She, too, is my agent–and I can attest that all of the above…is true!

    Great post! :-]

  8. I bow to Cherry’s awesomeness.

  9. Hilarious post! I am also fortunate enough to be represented by Cherry. I can testify that she uses e-mail because she never fails to respond immediately! I love this! Your post, and the subsequent comments, reinforce my initial impression that I will love working her! Thanks for sharing.

  10. I used to want to be Katharine Hepburn when I grew up. Then Cherry signed me and I realized that Katherine Hepburn wanted to be Cherry when SHE grew up. As you can imagine, this has created a labyrinthine dilemma for my psyche. So then I call Cherry to tell her about it, and she yelled, “Snap out of it! AND GET BACK TO WORK!”

    I snapped out of it and am figuratively chained to my laptop now. One does not argue with the idol of one’s idol.

  11. Cherry’s my agent of bodacious awesomeness, too, and, other than the computer and email (she has her manservant, Sean Connery, handle most of it for her), this is pretty much spot on. She wears a watch to appear human and fool lesser mortals. She’s the best, and don’t let her modesty fool you, either. She ROCKS!

  12. She wore great shoes. I told her so. She totally doesn’t scare me. It is clear you know where you stand with a person like Cherry and I can’t think of a more excellent thing I wish she was my sister so I could have her to Thanksgiving dinner.

  13. Love it. She scares the bejebuses out of me. :)

  14. Very funny! You’ve definately shown her fiesty spirit.

  15. OL Shepp

    Great post! She reminds me of my mother-in-law.

  16. I do so wish she represented YA. Great post!

  17. LOLOLOLOL! I feels so fortunate that this dynamo is my Secret Agent Lady. And everything you said is true. Cross my heart and hope that Cherry doesn’t spit in my eye!

    • She is, yes. Met her last Labor Day at Heather Graham’s Writers for New Orleans conference. Sat beside her on a panel, pitched to her, submitted the requested material and she signed me last November.

      As for stories, I have two words for you. Pen!s cake. If I said anymore I’d have to kill you.

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